A colleague was talking about his weekend fly fishing and how he got two bites, but nothing in the net. He was wondering if it’s better to not get any bites rather than the momentary hope, and then the subsequent letdown, of an empty line. As he’s talking, I’m thinking about how this mindset can be applied to all of life. If you don’t end up with the entire pie, do you even want a taste? Having never really fished in my entire life, I still think the answer is heck yeah in all of these scenarios. He got a taste this weekend, and maybe the whole pie next time. And this sport is seeming a lot like Buddhism, as even once you catch the fish, you release it. You let it go. I guess, first you take a photo with it, and then you let it go. Unattached.

It’s obviously easier to be hopeful in the predicted outcome of a situation where you have some degree of control. You can practice and get better. You can affect the odds of success, on some level. And that’s motivating. And because it’s challenging, there are tempered expectations. It’s similar with dating. You keep putting yourself out there, getting to know who you are and what you want more and more, and maybe your discernment is getting better. Yet the outcomes are still variable, as each fish is unique. The tough part is when you think you are being much more discerning, and upon meeting, there is no desire to catch, only release. I have so many girlfriends who are taking a break from dating apps and essentially dating. And I wonder why it seems so hard to find connection. Maybe it’s the life stage, and a great relationship is more of a nice to have than a need to have. I do think contentment is a common theme with these friends, and maybe the beautiful trust that it will happen when it’s meant to. Everyone laughs and says, “I mean, I do know he’s not just going to knock on my door.” Does anyone actually want the guy who just shows up at your door? Needing directions isn’t a situation that comes up now with maps at our phone fingertips. Years ago, there was a guy, who I thought was cute, at yoga. Each class, we would talk more and more. One day, we were talking about where we lived. That weekend, I saw him standing in front of my building, and staring at my window. It didn’t feel like fate, it felt creepy. In his defense, the next time I saw him, he did tell me that he had gone on a walk right by where I lived, and saw my building.

I have always liked that saying that you catch what you fish with. This is so obvious on dating apps. There are the guys leaning against the sports car, talking about roughing it at The Four Seasons. They will easily attract someone who wants money. No harm, no foul, on either side. Just no need for surprise. But can you really tell someone’s situation or motivation from an app? It’s so hard with just a few pieces of information. Especially if any of it’s dishonest. I recently matched with someone who actually wrote that he had lived in a certain town for 20+ years. Upon messaging, he said he actually lived in a different town. This is a city vs. suburbs difference. Okay. Not ideal but let’s meet. He was also dishonest about the school he attended. So here, I have just a handful of information about a future date, not knowing some of it is false, and likely even more. I just wrote about the second date dilemma, and talked about how the first date isn’t that telling. Your expectations alter your perception. The persona you created, somewhat unwittingly, is competing with the person in front of you. What can you believe?

I recently extended an offer on Threads to help men with their dating profiles. Someone basically asked, what if I’m doing all the “right” things, and still not getting matches. Without knowing what his profile looks like, or really anything about him, I can only speculate that maybe it’s timing. When it’s meant to be, it will be. But if that’s really the case, does any advice matter? Would his person see past any less than amazing pics, or outdated references?

Just in case any guys are reading this, some of the feedback from me and my girlfriends: Don’t do all car selfies. Yes, good lighting is key, and there is something about the car that can produce a good pic. Do just one! Current photos, pretty please. I had a date last weekend and did not recognize him. It was a decent date, but I kept staring at him trying to tie it back to the photos in his profile. It was a strange feeling. Remove pandemic references. Read the prompts. For example: ‘A random fact I love’: should be a random fact. I giggle at the answers like “holding hands,” and “dark chocolate or chocolate ice cream.” Not dealbreakers, but funny. Oh yeah! And the ‘two truths and a lie’, ditch that prompt. And the third grade teacher one. Share what makes you interesting! We all love travel, brunch, puppies. What could start a good conversation? We are looking at your photos and wondering about possibly sleeping with you. That being said, no goofy expressions or weird Halloween costumes.

There have been a handful of times, when I have felt like packing away my tackle box and rod, and calling it good. Feeling like the sea just didn’t contain what I thought it did. It’s kind of unexplainable, but I feel like I’m only able to live in that space for hours or days, and then hope springs eternal. Something deep inside knows there is more out there. When I have lost hope, momentarily, it feels out of alignment. It’s not my natural state.

So how do you get better at dating, and have tempered expectations, with high standards? You focus on getting to know yourself first and foremost. Why you want what you want. Even distilling down each trait and what it represents to you. When you really do love who you are and your life, there is no desire or room for anything that is less than amazing and certainly not mediocre. And there is not a hurry that can result in settling. It is definitely a journey getting there, longer for some of us than others. I still don’t know how to perfect the choosing from dating apps. I’m not sure that’s possible with just a few messages, photos, and maybe a quick phone call.

And just like with fishing, I would imagine the joy has to be found in the journey as well, since there is no guarantee. Trusting the timing. Trusting that what is for you, is for you. And if you do have tempered expectations, you might end up going on more second dates than before. But make sure those standards stay high. Find the fun. And give it your all. I think that’s the only way to feel like you don’t have the one that got away. XO