“I’ll have the sea bass.” As I passed my order onto the waiter, I felt small inside. I wanted the hamachi, but when I shared that with my date, he said in an admonishing tone, “If you were going to get sushi, we should have gone to a sushi restaurant. The sea bass is incredible.” The entire night had felt off, and this was a battle I didn’t have the energy to fight. It is not necessarily uncommon for a dining companion to share their preferences, but it is uncommon that I let them override mine. I didn’t even sound like myself when I ordered. I sounded resigned. Defeated.

The meal went from bad to worse and we ended up arguing and leaving before our entrees arrived. Kind of funny how life works out. It was easier to go since I hadn’t been looking forward to the sea bass anyway. And I knew this was the clarity I needed. The moment when you know is a gift, even if it’s packaged in an awkward departure at a restaurant and a silence-filled car ride. Once back in my car, I called a girlfriend who was surprisingly home on a Saturday night. My voice was shaky when she answered and I emotionally shared my experience. She listened and then said, “you sound excited.” I laughed and said I felt clear. Clearer than I had in a while. There had been enough glimmers of hope, and some real positives to slowly move forward with this guy. The most glaring negative is that I never truly felt relaxed and like I could fully be myself. So what was the hook? Consistency and persistence come to mind. Effort. Plans made and realized.

In this lazy world of dating, filled with mixed signals and flakiness, effort and consistency stand out, and seem more indicative of someone ready for a relationship. But to let that override my authenticity…I kept feeling like there was hope for a more authentic future together. There were moments of great connection. Moments of levity. Moments of comfort. Enough to lend hope that it could be a slow build into something great. I think I was open to the what if.

Note to self: “When you can begin to see your life as a feedback mechanism, reflecting who you are, with the ultimate goal to help you live better and more fully…it’s not the world standing in your own way, but your own mind.” from The Mountain is You by Brianna West

All relationships are a boot camp of sorts, with opportunities to grow and strengthen ourselves. Battles to fight and battles to acquiesce. So how do you know when it is worth fighting for or when you are forcing something not meant to be? I don’t think you know until you know. And maybe you only have enough information when you have enough information. And it’s that simple. And what I saw, that gave me pause when we first met, was what I saw that night at the seafood restaurant. It was still there and his day had unfolded in such a way that I was meant to see it that night. So the saying, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time…maybe is spot on. But, where is the allowance for personal evolution? People can change. I am the ultimate giver of benefits of the doubt. But can you change that quickly? I thought I saw someone who wanted to do things better. Differently. And that is beautiful. And I wouldn’t want to wonder, down the road, if I hadn’t given someone enough of a chance to show me better. To show me different. But I have also discovered that I see what I want to see. Maybe what I was hoping to see. It would have been easy to entertain this for longer but my life is more magical than that. So at that fancy restaurant, I got instant closure. And that was more incredible than the sea bass. XO