Priorities are fascinating. Where we spend our time. Where we spend our money. Where we share our love. To what, and to whom, we give our attention. I’m in the market for a new bed, and was talking all things furniture with a girlfriend, who is about to move into her dream NYC apartment. She was debating buying items from a certain store. I shared that I have always regretted going cheap, even though at times, that was necessary. In her case, she doesn’t need to be frugal, and this is her forever home. So why wouldn’t she choose furniture that she loves, even if that means spending a bit more? I was telling her about my IKEA bed, that frequently breaks. The slats don’t lock in, and maybe aren’t totally long enough, so can easily become misaligned and drop down. This has happened at inopportune times, as well as when it’s just me. She said, “you deserve a bed that doesn’t break.”

She’s right, and I do. But it just hasn’t been a priority, because it works. It’s easy enough to lift the mattress and fix the slats. And I haven’t found one that I love. Yet. And I actually like how understated and beachy it looks. Still. And I kind of forget that I would like a new bed, until the slats fall again. This conversation got me thinking about IKEA type relationships, that just work. They’re good enough, as maybe there isn’t better. Yet. And you keep forgetting there could be more, until you get a glimpse of it. This starter bed also reminded me of starting-over relationships. Where you are kind of desperate, at the very least likely a bit broken down, so maybe settle for less. And don’t take the time to find more. And navigating the dating scene, after a pause, can feel like it should come with an instruction manual. One of my girlfriends is newly back out there and called to tell me about her date. She seriously has the best personality ever, but found herself nervously asking the guy so many questions about his dogs, that he said next time he would bring their statistics with him. He was funny, so it didn’t come across as mean, and she laughed and agreed that she already knew more about the dogs than him. She is starting over, and if we stay with the bed analogy, is like Goldilocks. Looking for the “one” that is just right.

Note to self: Do you get what you pay for, when it comes to furniture and relationships? Is the money analogous to the effort?

There’s the juxtaposition with IKEA furniture. On one hand, it’s minimalist, but on the other hand, extremely complicated to put together. So this takes me down the path of the classic friends-with-benefits scenario. These easy breezy booty calls of relationships are seemingly light, but surprisingly complex. Where sometimes it’s exactly what you think you want, what you need, but then are left lifting a mattress and realigning slats at the end of the night. Alone.

Is it possible that one day, I walk into my bedroom and my bed has magically become a beautiful Restoration Hardware bed? While I believe in all the magic, it’s highly unlikely. The odds are far greater that the friends-with-benefits scenario evolves into a relationship, but are the odds good? Everyone might know a couple that started that way, but likely know many more that dissolved, likely taking the friendship with it. I think it comes down to the why behind this dynamic, and the respective expectations. Sometimes it really is just right. Maybe more of a plus-one situation than friends-with-benefits. It’s been fun at different times and in different seasons of my life. After big breakups. Busy times when I didn’t want additional anything, but only light and fun. A date for parties. Spontaneous plans, with no pressure. It is much more complicated when feelings aren’t equal and then it can feel like settling, at least on the part of one of the involved parties. You may be entertaining this dynamic, but with the expectation, laced with hope, that the future could look different. A lot of wondering, wishing, and hoping. So now, what was seeming pretty minimalist is now feeling complicated. Like it really should come with instructions.

At the end of the day, it comes down to how you truly feel in any scenario. Only I, only you, know if it’s the perfect fit, or if it feels more like settling for less than you know you want and deserve. There is also the middle ground. You know you want more, eventually, but this is truly enough for now. And sometimes, you might not totally know what you want. Yet. The best part is that you get to decide. And the very best part is that we each have our own unique instructions on how we want to live our lives. So while nothing in life comes with a guarantee, and I don’t know anyone who gets through life without a little heartbreak, we all deserve a bed that doesn’t break. XO