I have friends who have always wished they were taller. If only. Maybe if they were, they would feel perfect. And, by the way, what IS perfect? I have been a perfectionist my entire life, but what the heck does that even mean?! Let’s start with height. I have never wished I were taller, and I am 5’4″. One of the friends I referenced is 5’5″, so to her, perfect is at least 2 inches taller than I am. So I would never fit her definition of perfect. This example could carry through every physical attribute, skill set, behavior, etc. Obvious point being, there is no true definition of perfection as it is all relative and subjective. Even the technical dictionary definition is: “having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.” Required… by whom? Desirable… whose definition?

Fast forward to recently, when I realized that not only have I demanded perfection from myself (I’m sorry, self) but also from life (I’m sorry, life). And as I was drinking my morning coffee yesterday, I felt the familiar internal tug of war wishing certain situations in life were different. Wishing is somewhat antithetical to trusting and releasing. And wishing doesn’t sit right. It’s not powerful.

Early morning coffee led to yoga, a great venue for clarity. While stewing over a certain situation, and wondering why I was allowing it time in my precious mind, on my precious mat, I started envisioning a clear bowl of water, and then putting in one drop of black food coloring. Just that singular drop would affect the entire bowl. Dr. Alexandra Solomon used a similar analogy. She talked about adding salt to an espresso cup of water vs. adding the same amount of salt into a large reservoir. The idea is that we can’t necessarily control the “salt” in our lives, but we can expand our tolerance, our container. So as I was envisioning how this dark drop affected the entire bowl of water, it hit me that maybe this is tied to perfectionism. When everything isn’t perfect, whatever is off feels so magnified, as it is affecting the entire ecosystem. It becomes consuming, and can easily cause a loss of perspective. Why does the dark hold so much power, if the light is so much more abundant? I came to the conclusion that it is because that one little drop makes everything else feel… imperfect. So what if instead of striving for this false idea of everything being perfect, it was more about things maybe just being and getting better?

Note to self: remember that saying about accepting this moment as if you had chosen it.

So back to yesterday…I decided to feel the uck and let it guide my thoughts. Rather than wishing I didn’t feel a certain way, the goal became feeling it all, and seeing where that led. An emotional roadmap. What if how I’m feeling is exactly how I’m meant to be feeling? Our thoughts dictate our emotions and we have control over our reactions and behavior, even if it doesn’t feel like that sometimes. They say the power is in the pause between the trigger and reaction. I’m a firm believer that triggers are opportunities for growth, but what I hadn’t done before was feel gratitude for the emotions that were coming up. So if 9 out of 10 things are great, who are the people that focus on the 9 and who are the people that focus on the 1? And if the 1 isn’t in your power to change, is the goal to keep increasing the good so that salty 1 becomes less evident? That makes sense and maybe also to change the weight attributed to the 1. If the 1 is preventing life from being perfect, it’s pretty powerful. If the 1 is just a non-amazing thing, a disappointment, a hiccup, it loses its power. As Wayne Dyer said: When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

As the day progressed, the next moment of clarity was asking myself: why do I care so much and what would happen if I didn’t? And that right there felt so freeing. Not everything in life is deserving of the same intensity. What if some of life was meant to be accelerated through and many other areas could be coasted through? Being the river. Which brings to mind one of my favorite things I’ve heard, about how you cannot visit the same river twice. Because you are not the same and the river is not the same.

These thoughts and life goals spilled into today’s walk. A podcast with a former secret service agent helped tie this all together with a perfect-ish bow. Basically, she said that a certain level of stress is good. And while the majority of people work to craft a life without difficulties (hand raised over here), instead accept that things happen and put the energy into strengthening your resilience and unflappability. Wow. Maybe it’s the unrealistic expectation that the bowl of water is meant to be clear. And the internal push back that there is something wrong with life, with me, when things happen, but instead it’s really just how life works. Things happen. People happen. And all we can truly control is us, and how we react, process, and heal. How freeing to not expect perfection from life.

Now, back to self. I may not know what a perfectionist is, if perfection is totally relative and fluid, but I know how it feels. It feels unsettling. It definitely reinforces the voice of not being good enough. Is being perfect never making a mistake? But if we learn and grow from everything, then what is a mistake? Of course there are obvious ones; but, stay with me here. If everything works out how it’s meant to, what would a mistake be? It’s all information. Even the drunk text to an ex gives information. Even the reach out that’s sober and not reciprocated gives information. I believe it’s always better to know than wonder. If I had to think of what I would consider “mistakes” in my life, it would be when I wasn’t authentic. It would be when I played small. But whatever I did from those low self-worth places, all helped guide my journey to become me. Maybe feeling perfect is when everyone is happy with you. Let’s say you go through life like that. Odds are pretty great that you are not happy with yourself. And you’re exhausted from trying to anticipate everyone else’s needs. Unfortunately, I know all too well from a lifetime of experience as a (now recovering) people pleaser. If you’re just trying to get people to like you, you are missing the entire point of connection and authenticity. It’s exhausting and such a less than amazing goal.

If perfection is subjective, why not define it with a big picture of you? My incredible coach, who was helping me battle this, said: “What if you look at who you are and what you do as already perfect.” What an absolutely beautiful and freeing perspective. From that conversation on, I have worked to replace perfect with authentic. Perfection with authenticity. And better. And back to the official definition: “as good as it is possible to be.” I kind of like that part. There seems to be a little grace there. And what’s better than grace? XO