Does the voice in our heads become the man in our beds? In a podcast discussing attraction, they were talking about the psychological idea that we are attracted to someone who mimics how we feel about ourselves. It’s familiar, and maybe what we think we deserve. If your internal talk-track is negative, well, your partner can confirm those insecurities. Ideally, we have high self-worth, and attract someone who exhibits confidence, exudes kindness, and treats us how we know we deserve to be treated. This is possibly another piece of the puzzle, and It could explain why we can fall for someone who sees us a certain way, or, you feel like someone, you just met, immediately gets you.

Add to that, the idea that we attract mirrors of what we need to work on. AND, we attract versions of past relationships, from which we are seeking a corrective experience. It almost becomes overwhelming. Can you really attract all that with one swipe? Or, is it really that heavy and serious? It kind of seems like it’s all saying the same thing, which is the case with much of the self-betterment and inspirational stuff out there. And maybe it’s not necessarily that it’s always been about attracting who you are, especially when you are still learning who you are. I think about college, and THE worst relationship I have ever had. As I try not to be disparaging here, let’s blame it on youth. That doesn’t feel fair to the youth, though. He showed up at a party, yelling at me, because he thought I lied about where I was. Showed up at my work, yelling at me, because I had gotten into a car accident. Even as I type that, it makes no sense. What also makes no sense, is that I continued to date him after I learned he had cheated on me. Here’s another thought. We tolerate less until we have experienced more. I didn’t have a huge basis of comparison at that stage in life. But still. I’m so sorry, younger me.

Voice in my head. A mirror. Correcting formative relationships. My dad has always said that you have to meet someone where they’re at. You can’t bring them up, they will only bring you down. This holds true, not only in romance, but in all relationships. And it’s beautiful to remember that it IS attraction. It’s the game of life. If you believe that life works for you, then the right people and situations present at the right time, all in an effort to aid in your evolution in becoming your highest self. So the idea of someone being the right person, at just the right time, is freeing, as opposed to only one right person ever. What about when it feels so right, but then life comes between you? Can timing be off with the right person, or is that just an excuse? Maybe your time together came to an end because it was time for each of you to move on, to fully grow, and you had reached your capacity with that person. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like that. I have a girlfriend who has always said: you just know, and it just flows. As we all get older, and have more experience and more baggage, I wonder if it’s sometimes a bit clunkier at this stage.

Note to self: take the shot. always better to know than wonder.

There is a beautiful line in a song: when is love ever a waste of time? Of course, love is never guaranteed, but I would ask, when is connection ever a waste of time? Even on my worst dates, I have looked for the reason we were meant to meet. Sometimes, it has proven difficult to find that reason, so I have deduced that maybe it was for him and his experience of life. If, as Ram Dass says, “we are all just walking each other home,” it’s not always about me. Maybe my momentary presence, in his life, gave him encouragement. Maybe it pushed him back towards someone else he was meant to be with. Maybe…maybe who knows.

And maybe, it is just as simple as when we have high self-worth, we would never tolerate someone who treats us poorly. We know we deserve more. In discussing this with a girlfriend, we also honed in on the concept of abundance vs. lack. When you have an abundant mindset, you know: if not this, then something better. Trusting that there are plenty of nice men in the sea, why would you ever swim with someone unkind? May the voice in your head only be loving and encouraging. And same holds true for the man in your bed. XO