At a wedding the other weekend, I had the opportunity to ask some men, (the husband of a girlfriend and the boyfriend of a girlfriend), about the process of how they got to know my friends at the very beginning. It was less market research and more for my own personal interest, as I had been seeing someone who asked me very little about myself. And as someone who goes deep quickly, with engaging probing questions, I rarely feel like this is fully reciprocated in dating. While I’m asking how his childhood was, he’s maybe asking how my day was, but that’s not the issue. I really don’t want to date myself so I love balance and grounding. But this current relationship was definitely the most extreme lack of interest I had experienced. So I often wondered what he liked about me. Not in a way where I think I’m unlikable, but more in a way that I feel like he’s decided he likes me without knowing me.

One wedding conversation talked about how females typically have a checklist, mental or physical, and as we are asking questions, we are checking it off. The he in the conversation said his initial interest was based solely on sexual attraction, and then certain red flags, specifically not being over an ex, were heeded. In another conversation, I learned that he had decided to go on a ton of coffee dates (my preference too) and asked the same questions to each of his dates. His approach was similar to mine in that in the answer, he could glean so much information. “Why did you get divorced?” In this one question, you can learn about someone’s relationship with their ex, how they take responsibility or cast blame, a growth mindset or stuck in the past. And much more.

My best friend is a marriage therapist and long ago told me that you can get a good idea about the health of a relationship when you ask a couple how they met. I love this as that is my typical question that I ask couples, but more with a hope-giving interest, than a direction for therapy. But now I love also listening with her perspective. If someone dismissively says, “oh, just in college,” it tells me that maybe they are not super grateful for their relationship. If there is more detail, and they shine remembering, appreciating the magical randomness that brought them together, well, it’s obvious there is more of a gratitude for their partner. It’s an art, not a science, but always makes for interesting conversation.

As we get older, the checklist gets longer. In middle school, he just needed to be cute. And nice. In high school, maybe cute, nice, funny, with a car. College, cute, nice, funny, intelligent, maybe future aspirations. It all makes sense, right? As we get older, and think about a family, we want a good provider. Someone who would be a good father, and things like a car might be a given. Or, now that I have a car, and no longer need a ride to the mall like in high school, it wouldn’t even cross my mind to include that.

I have a note in my phone entitled “IT.” It is the latest iteration of my partner checklist. What I know exists. There are many older notes in my phone and a few newer ones. The crazy, magical thing is that once or twice a week, only this note flashes on my home screen. I don’t understand why, but every time it does, I take a minute and reread it. I showed a girlfriend the screenshot from when the note appeared, and she said, oh, it’s a Siri suggestion. You call it Siri. I call it magic. Tomato. Tomottttto. This is THE only note this has EVER happened with. And it’s consistent. After all of these years, this list is pretty simple and attainable. Everything on it makes sense and I know why each attribute is important to me.

Note to self: Buy more gum and chew with confidence.

Thinking about past versions of self and past iterations of the list makes me feel…reflective. I have done all of the exercises around crafting the list. We might all want someone who is (insert adjective here), but the key is figuring out why and what it represents. And is that an attribute that we can instead instill in ourselves, which could reduce the craving of finding it in another? I used to have so many words that I have since distilled down to confidence. If someone is truly confident, that encapsulates so much. One version even included wanting someone who chews gum….what’s up with that. That is pretty specific but I know why, and it was likely added on the heels of a breakup with a non gum chewer. I chew gum all the time. Even during yoga class. Super quiet and stealthily, but I like it in my mouth as it makes me less thirsty. Especially during hot yoga, which is so regimented that you are not even supposed to drink water except at the approved breaks. Still not a fan of that. But, gum. I have also found that people who don’t chew gum are kind of anti-gum, and never have it on hand.

Would I really say no to someone incredible who doesn’t chew gum? Please. Absolutely not. But I think it’s a great example. I really don’t need a partner to have gum on them, because I always have it. If I ever forget it, I go buy it. And if someone I met forbade me to chew gum, well, I would say bye. Again, though, this is all for example. It’s a like-to-have, not a need-to-have. But I 100% need confidence in a partner. I have found that kindness typically accompanies confidence. When you are confident in who you are, there isn’t a desire to judge or make fun of others. I fully ascribe to the notion that had you been born as that person, and had all of their experiences, you would likely be making the same choices they are. Compassion. This blog has been percolating for years, but I needed to make sure I shared my experiences without being disparaging. Just because someone isn’t my guy, doesn’t mean he’s not a good guy.

So with my sample group of two men at a wedding, I concluded that it doesn’t really matter how someone else gets to know someone. What matters is how I feel known. And while it’s nice to feel like a man can just like me without knowing much, it feels even better to be seen. And known. And for me, that’s conversation. With ease and flow. I quit sharing when I feel like someone doesn’t really care about what I’m saying. And who wants to be in that relationship? Check please. XO