Have you seen the Netflix show Dirty John? I did and it has never left my mind. He showed up in scrubs on a date and just that simple act validated in her mind that he was a doctor. Spoiler alert-he wasn’t, and if you haven’t seen it, I definitely recommend it. I matched with a guy, let’s call him “Jay,” on Hinge. Once we matched, his first message said he’s not much of a texter, so dinner? I was game because I wasn’t feeling like much of a texter at the time either. A couple things activated that glitch in my gut. He said he could come out to me and he would be wearing a suit because he’s a lawyer. The “out to me” didn’t geographically make sense from what his location said and where I live. The other is that it wasn’t necessary to say he was a lawyer–and anyone I know who has that profession refers to themselves as an attorney. I mentally filed both and we had a date at a mutually agreed upon restaurant.

Note to self: try not to drink on a first date because it makes me a lot less interesting and him a lot more interesting.

It was a really good date. He was better looking than I anticipated, made great conversation, funny. We sat there for over two hours laughing, sharing, and even had chemistry. Which is rare! I was excited about this guy. I rarely drink and never on a first date. I only share this because had I been even a little buzzed, I would have missed a couple inconsistencies. He was charming. But the look when I told him I had friends that were at the law school he claimed he went to, at the same time, was almost fear. Instead of asking who they were, he immediately said that no one knows him from law school because he was newly married, in married housing and busy having sex with his new wife. That was weird.

There were other things that also seemed off. He had been rude to the managers at the restaurant, who I know. Stories with excessive details and timing of events that didn’t seem to line up.

He was extremely interested in me, my life and my family. I felt seen. In retrospect, it feels like there was some kind of ulterior motive. But at the time, I thought I met someone that I definitely wanted to have a second date with. He walked me to my car and I drove him to the area where he was parked. I suggested sharing cell phone numbers, he agreed, and I asked what his was while my phone was open to text him. He was typing a lot into his phone and I even asked if he was trying to run it through a different phone number. I don’t even know why I said that or how it works, but that is what came to mind with the delay. He then said he was ready and asked me for my number. This was another glitch in my gut, but I gave it to him. We kissed goodnight and I drove away as he walked somewhere to supposedly get his car.

Note to self: always pay attention to the glitch. It might not be what you think is off, but something is off.

We texted a bit the days following. He was working hard at lining up a second date. But something, divine, kept nagging at me. I am not a fan of cyber researching my dates, but I felt like I had to here. Typically, I may do a high level LinkedIn search to see if our worlds are at all connected. I kept trying to look him up, as he had quickly said his last name that night. Nothing. By the type of law he said he practiced. Nothing. By the phone number he gave me. Nothing. By every possible spelling of his last name. Nothing. By attorneys in Denver named Jay. Nothing that was him. I enlisted the help of a girlfriend who is very good at this. She could find nothing. So I texted him asked what his last name is. This is what he texted me:

“I’ve had a previous issue with unwelcome attention. Can we talk about that in person or is that not acceptable for you? (Btw I understand that might not be acceptable.)”

I didn’t reply and then he sent another text: “She made my life a nightmare for years. ‘Luckily’ she threatened a federal judge too & was denied parole this year. You can Google her:” Then he sent a name AND a prisoner number.

Weird right? And then he wrote, “Former client not significant other.”

It’s a slight of hand. Get me to look over here so I am not focused on you. I take people at face value and am very trusting. But thankfully, I am also very intuitive with a strong gut instinct. And I always feel divinely guided and protected. I don’t know what his end game was. Is he a con artist? Married? I did respond to his text and said “That’s ok. I’m not into researching people. Just think it’s smart to know who you’re going out with. If after meeting me, it gives you pause to share your last name, I think that’s our answer. It was a fun date tho!”

He responded: “It’s not sharing it with you, it’s sharing with you over text. But I understand. I’m sorry we could not meet again. You’re a really nice person & I wish you all the best.”

I was beyond paranoid after this exchange, feeling more scared that I ever have. Literally peering out of my windows. Hearing things. This went on for a couple days, until two amazing friends solved the mystery.

Dirty Jay, Part 2

My phone rings when I am in bed, in my paranoid phase, watching a show. It’s two girlfriends, both attorneys, who are out to dinner. One filled the other in on this weirdness that came into my life. We tell her what we think his name is and she tells us of a local doctor by that name who murdered his patients. Now I know I am really not going to be able to sleep. They want more photos of him so I sent the screenshots I had taken of his profile.

Note to self: be very careful with pics used in dating apps, some people are really good at figuring out who you are. Like my friends.

I wake up to text messages that the mystery was solved. In one of his photos, he is wearing a bib from a marathon. By seeing his race number, this friend was able to google finishers of that race and get his name. Close to what he had given me and he was indeed an attorney. Practiced the kind of law he said. Everything lined up, except that there was no divorce on record. And he was all over his wife’s FB page. This was still confusing. It didn’t make sense that everything was pretty truthful except for this one thing.

I don’t like to be confused so I texted him: “If the statute of limitations hasn’t expired on your offer to share your last name, I am willing to meet you in a well-lit public place.” He immediately replied and we joked about good restaurants next to police stations.

We met for breakfast and he immediately pulled out credit cards and his driver’s license so I could see his full name. His explanation? That he was afraid I would google him and read things that weren’t favorable. More explanation? Divorce wasn’t final due to negotiations about something or other. More explanation? Some young guy in his office set him up with a Google phone number and he has two phones. (Still ick) More explanation? He’s not good at this. Was married forever and doesn’t know how to date. That all made sense to me, so we went out a few more times.

One date was literally like a Hallmark movie. A cold night, with carolers in the street. Hot apple cider. Christmas shopping. Deep conversation. Wondering if this could be my guy with the craziest start ever to our story?

After another date, I couldn’t find my cell phone and my initial thought was that he took it. That was actually my thought for the entire 10 minutes it took me to find it and I can’t imagine that ever being my initial thought about anyone in my life. It dawned on me that for some reason, I still didn’t trust him, and I ended it soon after. It became kind of a joke with my friends, blaming him for everything. There’s still a bit of mystery behind the distrust as I have rarely, almost never, felt that. Not sure. But it doesn’t really matter since he’s not my guy. XO