Years ago, I was complaining to my dad about someone I had been in a relationship with. My dad, who is THE best advice giver, said: “His 100% is your 30%. If you put your expectations of what you would do onto someone else, you will always be disappointed.” Wow. That advice has helped me reframe my relationships. Instead of taking things personally, it is really about seeing someone’s capacity, and how they choose to show up and love. And, we are all built and wired differently. Priorities differ. How we love differs. How we feel loved differs.
For me, it has been easier increasing grace in family relationships. In friendship. We navigate the world from the vantage point of what we feel is most significant, and my loved ones don’t demand that I show love to them in the same way that they show love to me. So, why would I demand that? In romantic relationships, it has been harder to know when it is someone’s capacity or when it is lack of interest, misalignment of values, etc…
So, how DOES this translate in romantic relationships? Well, we all know there is not one person that can, or should, be everything. Except yourself, but I still refuse to believe that I am my own soul mate. Ha. So, armed with this great reframe, how do you determine when it is settling, impeding on a boundary, and when it is a call to grace as we all have a different 100%? And what 100% of mine is someone else’s 30%? Maybe the ultimate relationship provides a good balance of those. Last night, I was catching up with a girlfriend. Instead of sticking to our original plan of a night out on the town, we were both craving sweats and just catching up at my place. Love it when a good plan becomes a better plan. As we are both single, the majority of our getting one another up to speed is about guys. And her stories must be featured here one day. As I was sharing about someone, she lovingly asked, “What are you doing? He sounds so different from you, as you are all about love and connection. Depth.” My truthful answer was that I don’t know what I’m doing, but something feels good about this. Balanced. And it feels right to let it unfold. Not in perpetuity, but there is something there to still explore.
Note to self: we are all unique and that is what makes the world so beautiful. The right unique will feel expansive.
I told her about someone I dated who was simple, in a beautiful way. And I am complicated, in a beautiful way. One Sunday, we were sitting on the couch and I asked him, “Do you ever wonder what your soul’s purpose is? Like, why you were created.” He looked at me and said, “No. I’m just trying to place my football bets, so I’m wondering if the Eagles are going to win.” There was something so grounding about him. Because my mind is always searching for, and finding, the life lesson, wondering about the meaning behind everything, his simplicity was refreshing. And somewhat enviable. We had a lot of humor and grace in our relationship. He would be impressed that when I was triggered by something, I could quickly tie it back to a point in my childhood when I picked up that limiting belief. And, I would be impressed that he had nothing from his childhood that he ever thought about. Again, refreshing.
There is a beautiful balance to finding your complement. And a beautiful grace to not internally demanding that people show up how you show up. And a beautiful power to walking away from relationships that no longer serve you. Here’s to balance. Whatever that looks like and feels like for you. XO
