Recently, I have had a few men ask for feedback when I have shared that I am not experiencing the connection I am looking for. It kind of seems like an evolved request but it also seems a bit sad, like a review of performance. I am direct as soon as I know this is not someone I want to continue with, but always kind. Not looking to waste mine or anyone else’s time, as soon as that glitch of knowledge presents itself, I end whatever has started. And typically try to say that I just know when something is out of alignment. The process is faster as I know myself better than ever and know when I really like someone. It’s also faster as I am so happy on my own that someone has to truly add to the awesome world I live in.

Okay, maybe I don’t end it the second I first feel the glitch. I do want to make sure not to discount someone too quickly, as that can lead to circling back. But typically within 2-3 dates. How do you give feedback when it is specific to you and you “just know?” I know when it started to shift in me with certain actions, conversations, but is that helpful to share or just mean? One of my girlfriends always said that she wanted the guy who loved her on her bad days. I think we all want that for better or worse, so if it is truly your person, the “worse” wouldn’t be a deal breaker, right?

Recently, I met someone who is just getting out of his marriage. He shared that quickly and I still accepted the date, as that can mean so many things. Some people have felt alone in their marriage for a long time and it is now just the legal formality of cutting the ties. Some people never felt in love. Some people…you get the point. I have met a handful of guys through the years just getting out. My personal experience has been that the soon-to-be-ex-wife is still top of mind. She would come up in conversation, typically with bitterness and also comparing her with me. Which never felt amazing. But I was still open. Date one was fun. That’s kind of typical as the bar of expectations is low so fairly easy to exceed it. There was enough there for date two. Date two was pretty good. But I did notice I was trying to find him attractive. A girlfriend of mine had a date this week and said she was really trying to like him. She wanted to. We later talked about when it is right, you probably don’t have to try. Someone just is attractive to you, in how they look and who they are. And someone just is likable, as they are. It doesn’t require effort. Anyway…date two was good but definitely glitch inducing. A lot of talk of future plans. Too much future. On date two, I am just wondering if there is enough there for date three. Not already talk of attending weddings together, meeting my parents, etc. Asking me to help decorate his new place.

Note to Self: Don’t share your phone number or address too soon. Seriously.

BUT, if I were really into him, even those discussions might land the right way. This didn’t feel sparkly, it felt needy. I am all for go-time when you meet the right person, I have been there. I have planned a trip to Mexico on date two. So, it’s not me, it’s him. The days following were filled with too many texts, over sharing, asking me to call. Again, needy. I texted him that I was canceling our next date as the timing of us didn’t feel aligned. He also knew that I was seeing someone a few weeks prior to our meeting, so I said I needed more time to process that. He called and asked for feedback. I said that this was all specific to me as someone else might love where he is. I explained that I am very independent, content on my own, need freedom, still processing a break up…I took it all on. He asked if we could be friends, and still go to dinner that night, as friends. If this were a Choose Your Own Adventure book, I would like to flip to the pages where I declined. But, unfortunately, I accepted. It actually sounded great to have a new friend. I felt relieved after the conversation and envisioned a night of no pressure, getting to know him better. With the grace that is more plentiful in friendship than in dating.

As soon as he picked me up, I could feel the chip on his shoulder. He was making snide comments about questioning this dinner (which he asked for), and repeatedly wanting to confirm that this was friends with benefits. Ick, no. Instead of a light-hearted meal with two new friends getting to know each other, it was a recount of “us” and where it went wrong. What he did. What I did. What I need to work on. How I need to not bucket people. Wait, what? We had two dates. There is no us. And there never, ever will be. And I cited misalignment and did give not-divorced-yet him a chance. There was anger in him and I was extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t want anything to do with him. No friendship. As he was being meaner, I told him I wanted to get the check, split it, and call it a night. We did that and I pulled up my Uber app. He said he would still bring me home. I really regretted that he knew where I lived, but accepted the ride. As soon as I got home, I called a girlfriend. Really for comfort and safety. I felt shaky. While we were on the phone, I deleted the dating app. This guy then started mean-texting me about blocking him and I only replied once, saying I had deleted the app. He sent a couple other mean texts and then stopped. So, what’s the lesson here? For me, always trusting my intuition. There were a couple glitches the first time we talked, before we had even met, but I wanted more information. Also, I wish I had met him out on date two, and not had him pick me up.

I am hoping I never go back on a dating app. While I have met many great men that way, I have also had some really uncomfortable experiences. There is so much you don’t know about a person, and everyone is someone’s ex. Can we go back to the days of meeting organically or through friends? I’m game and thankfully have many girlfriends who also love being out in the world. About providing feedback, I think it feels like a no-win conversation. It’s all specific to me, to you, so would it be helpful? The things that give me pause about a person might be the perfect fit for someone else. While love and money may be connected, I don’t want love to feel like a job. XO