In a recent conversation, I was sharing that I wonder if my dating decisions have been to sub-consciously protect my freedom, or has there just not been the reason to abandon the freedom? And if a partner made me feel like my life would be less than, why would I entertain that? Basically, wondering if I have chosen the wrong person in the past because sub-consciously I wanted to remain single. Would the right guy have surpassed those fears or have I not attracted the right guy because of this? And have I lightly dated more guys who only wanted to lightly date since that wouldn’t threaten the life I have going on? It all feels deep but also not, and also kind of like it doesn’t matter. A real chicken and egg scenario here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I have recently become super aware that I tend to think in absolutes, I am working on entertaining all sides of an “issue.” My girlfriend who has pointed this out, was also sharing that she wondered all of this about her dating life. After her own in-depth analysis of her dating history, she came up with, “maybe it is me.” We laughed. But that actually feels a lot more powerful. It is not choosing unavailability because of thinking you are not deserving of everything that you want. It feels more like choosing the life you are living and loving, over someone else. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So back to the wondering. The fascinating part is that here I am, the biggest believer in the love story, and yet, am I so content with my single life that I may sabotage something? I don’t think so. I think the bar of expectations has finally raised so high, and with it increased clarity has been revealed. From dating a gazillion guys and going on even more dates than that, I see and feel so clearly. And there have been a handful of relationships that I wondered if this was IT. If that dynamic would go the distance. Balance was present in those. He had his life. I had mine. And we made time to spend together. Effort. Consistency. Independence. I reached out to one of those yesterday. Telling him that anytime I wonder if I have the capacity to be in a healthy relationship, I think of US, and it’s reassuring. His immediate reply was: “I agree. It was healthy and easy from the beginning.” It flowed. We had fun. So much mutual effort and interest. That texting turned into a phone conversation. We updated one another on all the important things going on in our respective lives. Laughed a lot. When we hung up, I felt good. Not wistful. Not anything other than good to reconnect with someone who I will always care about. And someone with whom I set the bar for a healthy relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nNote to self: As Ram Dass says, “we are all just walking each other home.”<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
It is so true that you don’t know the role someone will serve in your life or you in theirs. We are a part of other people’s stories. As I’ve mentioned before, I hope I am a positive in those memories of all I have dated, but I know that is not always the case. And if anyone that I have hurt is reading this, please know I am truly sorry. It has been a big learning curve. Distilled down, it is really an alignment in interest and availability that needs to happen. Anytime there is a push-pull dynamic with those, the balance is off. They say that how you feel in a relationship is the main indicator of how healthy it is. So for me, I know that I need a consistency that brings calm. Makes me feel safe. An independence that doesn’t impinge upon my need for freedom. A playfulness that brings levity and fun. That’s just me. So, maybe it is me, and that is a good thing. XO<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In a recent conversation, I was sharing that I wonder if my dating decisions have been to sub-consciously protect my freedom, or has there just not been the reason to abandon the freedom? And if a partner made me feel like my life would be less than, why would I entertain that? Basically, wondering if<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2247,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2055","post","type-post","status-publish","format-image","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","post_format-post-format-image"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/notmyguys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2055","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/notmyguys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/notmyguys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/notmyguys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/notmyguys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2055"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/notmyguys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2055\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/notmyguys.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2247"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/notmyguys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2055"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/notmyguys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2055"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/notmyguys.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2055"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}