“If you have to circle back, it probably wasn’t the thing,” said a girlfriend. We were sharing stories of circling back or when others had come back to us. There is still some unknown there and you wish you had done it differently. She shared a story about a date that ended in a way she had regretted, in that she wished she had been more communicative, so he didn’t misread her interest. When she reached back out to the guy, life presented in a way that she actually saw a side to him that would prevent her from ever wanting to see him again. This is vague, as it’s not my story to tell, but my analysis is that she knew on the first date that he wasn’t someone she could feel safe with and trust. She just didn’t know she knew. So she needed more information, and then she really knew.
There are billions of people in the world, yes? So why do we circle back? I’m sure everyone knows someone who circled back to someone and they are now living happily ever after. This just doesn’t seem like the norm. So many times I have heard from my girlfriends, “you won’t believe who I heard from!” I love guessing games so start rattling names off. These are always fun conversations, whether or not either party responded, time of day in receiving the text (drunk text?), etc.
Was timing to blame? And is it like the river? Where you can’t visit the same river twice, because you are not the same and the river is not the same. But maybe that’s good here, and I think that’s the expectation. That something will be different this time around. Better.
Sometimes it’s relative, where you experience something worse and then wonder if this last thing was better than you thought. No. That’s settling and doubting the magic of the Universe. What about the friendship angle? You dated in the past and it did not work out, but you still stay loosely in one another’s lives. Is that cool if one of you is married? In the last month, I heard from three exes. I had a missed call late at night from one, a note on my car from another, and a text from a third. Only the call rattled me since that was my most recent good relationship. When I returned the call with a voicemail, I later received a text saying it had been a mistake. We hadn’t spoken on the phone for 8 months so I doubt that I am in his most recents, the screen where most accidental dials happen from. The late night timing of the call supported the theory that it was likely alcohol inspired, which could lend truth to him saying it was a mistake, in the light of day and sobriety.
Whatever. All of this has led me to a place of empowered fatigue. Tired of guys toeing the waters, lightly circling back. If you are interested, man up and let’s see if there’s something there. Tired of the reach out texts that always draw optimistic me back in with the thought that this time, it could be different. Only for the same scenario to play out. Point being, if you are circling back, own it. Be upfront. If something didn’t go right, apologize. Explain where you were at the time and why you did what you did. I recently received a call from someone I had dated where he did apologize. Explained his life situation and why our last conversation had not gone well. It meant a lot and was so sincere that I decided to proceed cautiously, one date at a time. That’s essentially what dating is, right? Spending time together to get to know the person. Gathering all the information so that you either continue, or stop. But ideally, you reach a conclusion so you are not the one circling back. I would always rather know than wonder. XO
