In high school, I bought a Jimi Hendrix CD. The guy, I had a crush on, loved Jimi Hendrix, and I would listen to it over and over, thinking about him, and trying to develop an appreciation for his favorite band. But, why? Did I think creating a commonality would create a connection? It sure seemed simple back then, but does some iteration of that play out in adult life too, trying to predict who someone wants you to be? Asking for a friend, but how do you learn from someone else without losing yourself? It might not be buying a CD, but it can sure be playing cool girl.

I’ve always joked that I am one article away from changing my mind, which is pretty similar to the saying, “strong convictions, loosely held.” There’s a balance between being open to other opinions, ideas, music, etc., but not adopting them with the sole goal to become more attractive to someone else. Let’s take skiing for example. I haven’t skied in over a decade. On dating apps, so many men talk about skiing, which season pass they have, show slope pics, pics heli-skiing. I can get a hunch about which guys want a slope partner, and which may love the idea of him doing his thing, me wandering around the village doing my thing, and then we meet up in the hot tub at the end of the day. I totally respect option A, but that is not a good fit for me, and I am not a good fit for him. Funny side note, there have been times where I say on my app profile how I love Snow Patrol, and some men have thought that meant that I am really into skiing. I cleared that up quickly.

It’s the chameleon thing. Morphing into someone else, or who you think they would want you to be. Who wants to date that person? At this stage of life, I am extremely confident in who I am and what I like, and, at that same time, I love learning from others. I love discovering new music, but it’s not because someone else likes it, it’s because I like it. And, I want the same in a partner. Someone who has his own interests, and loves doing those things independently or with friends. I do not want a constant companion, and am not a good fit for someone who does. Balance. We each have our own lives, but want to make room for the other one. So awesome when it works like that.

There is tremendous beauty in a partner doing something with you, for you, for the sole reason that they know you like it. That is more powerful than them pretending to like it too. Camping comes to mind. That is not something I gravitate towards, but believe anything (except heli-skiing) could be fun with the right person.

Note to self: someone with their own interests is so much more interesting.

One of the funniest dates was fairly recently. This investment banker asked if I wanted to go to two EDM shows. I had been to an EDM show in Vegas, months before with my best friend, and it was awesome. We had a blast. So when this plan presented itself, I was in. Another girlfriend called that evening, asking what I was up to. She laughed so hard when I informed her of my plans, mainly because I told her that he wanted to pick me up at 10:00pm. I go to bed in the 9s. Also, the EDM thing cracked her up. Throw in the fact that I had never met this guy, in person. I said that I thought this was maybe his alter ego–investment banker by day, club guy by night. It’s a good combo. All about the balance. Either way, seeing someone in their element is always good information. I negotiated a 9:15 pickup, as we decided to grab dinner before the shows. At 9:14, he texted: “Here.” And that pretty much set the tone for the date. This was his night, and I was along for the ride, er… music.

We grabbed ramen at a cute restaurant and had a nice conversation. It flowed. Not magical but not awkward, and mutually insightful that we live our lives very differently. But, thankfully, did have music and dancing in common. Then onto the first show that started at 11:00pm. He pulled up to what looked like an abandoned strip mall in a not super safe part of town. I debated (internally) calling an Uber, but that didn’t even feel safe there. What was missing was my best friend and a hot Vegas scene. This felt kind of sad. We stood out on the dance floor while the crowd filled in. Finally, the DJ started and we danced. I love dancing so that was fun. It would have been the best to run into someone I know, because it would be so random at this hour, in this part of town, but that didn’t happen. We stayed awhile and then left to see the other show that started at 12:30. (Who am I??) The next show was in a much cooler, and safer feeling, venue. It was pretty inside and the DJ was great. It was actually the perfect date for two people who have very little in common. It was too loud to talk, and we could both be in our own worlds, dancing. He brought me home, and that was that.

He sent me a LinkedIn request the next day, and we texted about our handful of mutual connections. It’s so nice in the adult world of dating, where you know you tried, but there is no point in forcing something. I wish I had lived that way decades before. Connection should be so natural and aligned. And we all want something mutual. No more wishing and hoping. And listening to Jimi Hendrix. XO