Walking home from the store yesterday, I am stopped at a light. This guy walks up, also waiting to cross the street. We talk about what a busy intersection it is and I comment that it looks like he’s going to the movies, since he has boxes of movie-size candy in his hands. 5 or so boxes of Dots. He shares that he just learned his girlfriend’s favorite movie candy, and picked them up. How adorable is that? As we are walking together, I told him I might write about him because effort is everything. The conversation then led to communication in relationships and touched on regret. As someone who goes for pretty much everything, I love the research that shows that regret over what we do, that doesn’t pan out, can fade fairly quickly, but regret over what we don’t do, lasts much longer. Even a lifetime.

That second regret is laced with what ifs. What if I had shared how I felt? What if I had gone for that job? As it’s all unknown, it becomes way too easy to create a story and dwell on it. If I am lit up by an opportunity or a potential relationship, I jump heart first, and then pivot later if necessary. It’s made for a varied career and many dating experiences, but nothing that I regret. I recently heard, yes on a podcast, someone say that they can’t be the first one to tell themselves no. YES!! That’s what it is. Why would we EVER be the first one to squash a potential dream? A potential relationship? A potential anything, really. It has to be the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, both of which are really just our interpretation of events. And again, fade much more quickly than the regret of what we don’t do. What we don’t try. Thank you, God, for all of the closed doors.

Back to effort. They say that effort equals interest. It’s connected with paying attention. You listened to what I said. You care about what I like. And you remembered. But as relationships are comprised of unique individuals, the effort made has to land with the recipient and vice versa. The effort that means the most to me is the effort to communicate. The effort to find time to be together. We are all busy, but make time for what’s most important to us. The effort to bring ease into my busy week. And I’m wanting to do the same for someone. Effort has to be mutual and in alignment, or it’s easy to feel unappreciated. I also think effort needs to be done for the giver, because you want to, or you could easily feel resentful. And it could be manipulative.

Ease and effort. It flows. I think back to a relationship with someone who wouldn’t look up from his laptop when I would come over to his house. I made the effort to come to him, and he couldn’t look up when I arrived. As you can imagine, that didn’t set a great tone for the night. And it was every time I came over. When I shared that I just wished he would ask about my day, for a few weeks, he’d ask: How. Was. Your. Day. Almost robotic. That was not at all what I wanted. I wanted to be with someone who genuinely wondered how my day was, and not…that. Not scripted. I am sure the girlfriend, who loves Dots, didn’t have to tell her boyfriend that she just wished he asked what movie candy she liked.

What I have noticed, from my healthiest relationships, is that it doesn’t even feel like I’m making an effort. It flows. There is genuine interest in another person and fulfillment in giving. It’s mutual. Aligned. We give and receive similarly. And maybe I have actually regretted eating too many Red Vines at the movies, but loving and giving are never something I have regretted. XO