“But can YOU write HIM a five page letter?” asked a girlfriend over sushi. I had been in a hamster wheel of a relationship for over three years. Every few weeks, I would end it because I knew he wasn’t the one. Then I’d have a less than amazing date, or he would make an effort, or we’d have an organic run-in, and it would propel us back together. It felt inescapable, but in more of a caged way than a fate way. That night at dinner, I was in my familiar cycle of being newly and temporarily single, but more puzzled than normal. He had written me a five page letter professing his intense love, admiration of my qualities and being, visions of future us that detailed being old and buying soup at the store. It was a lot and it had affected me.

There could not have been a better dinner date at this moment. I had met this girlfriend at the gym, years prior, and she had been the one to go down to the city with me to pick up the papers I needed to file for divorce. Years later, I did the same for her, walking her through the process. So not only did she know a lot about my journey, she is also one of the most insightful people I know. Could I write him the letter? Wait, what?! It hit me that the letter affected me because it was how I want someone to feel about me. Being in love with love, and all. But did I feel that way about him? Picturing growing old together. I’m not even a big soup eater. Did I want my future to be held in his hands? I had to table those thoughts, because I was loving that someone felt that way about me.

While I wasn’t sure that I could write that letter, it did have a calming effect envisioning a known future. So at the time, the best solution, to get off this rollercoaster of a relationship, was to move in together. Get one big cage for all of us. There is a funny thing I’ve seen online that hits close to home: Move in together, that will speed up the breakup process. Even as we were combining households, I knew this wasn’t “it.” But having a known, after years of unknown, felt settling and like everything in life, I gave it my all. The first couple weeks were easy, as it was novel, and I could embrace the holidays. When January rolled around, I quit unpacking. That familiar guiding glitch that comes, came, and I knew this was a mistake. And a big mistake, that affected many lives.

Note to self: the known, the familiar, can feel settling, but can actually BE settling. Hold out for the magical unknown. Calming and settling are different.

My entire life has been about pivoting, whether that has been professionally or personally. I have rarely felt stuck as something better was always around the corner, and in sight. But this time I felt trapped, and it was awful. What would people think if I moved out so quickly? I’m so sad for the me back then that actually cared, even for a moment, about the perception of others. Thankfully, I have been blessed with the most supportive family and friends, who fully helped push and pull me during that time, with the strength that I didn’t have and the optimisism that I had temporarily lost. And the humor. When I had moved out, he stopped by, totally unannounced. He sat in my new living room telling me about all the hot women he had been dating. How incredible his life was now. How everything was now so on track and amazing. Things that I had wished were different, were now suddenly fixed. Thankfully, my friends and family also possessed the cynicism I had lost. I called my mom in tears when he left, recounting the conversation. She said, “Honey, it sounds like you were really holding him back.” For the first time in weeks, rather than bursting into tears, I burst into laughter.

What this experience did, besides make for a unique story of moving in with someone and out within two months, was it made me so appreciative for the beautiful ecosystem that I already had. It made me stop fast tracking any and all relationships. It pushed me to craft a life so that I will never feel stuck or trapped again. The wheel holds no more power. The back and forth that can feel so addictive, having someone fight for you, get you, and quit putting effort in, the bare minimum guy, no more.

Note to self: moving in together is not the glue to keep an unhealthy relationship together.

My new home had a real fireplace, so one night, I sat there and reread the letter trying to understand more about why I had made that decision to move in with him. I read a page, and then burned that page, crying the entire time. I would love to say that is when the chapter closed, but we actually started dating again months later. Addiction to the familiar. Addiction to the drama. Addiction to …not being alone.

It took just a few more months to finally end it. For good. There wasn’t a magical a-ha moment, but rather more of a combination of time and flipping the script to focusing on what I want rather than resting in being who someone else wants. I was happier in my new place. Happier in a new job. I now knew what rescuing felt like and it wasn’t what I thought. I knew what my peace and space were worth, and how absent they were for a moment. Funny enough, the last time we ran into one another, it was at the grocery store, not in the soup aisle but in the cereal aisle. We had a nice, brief catch up and I felt nothing. And I certainly didn’t wish we were checking out together and going to our shared home. This experience helped me get stronger and truly learn that no mistake is so big that you can’t course correct and come back from it. This was a really big one, as it affected many lives. Once I was done beating myself up for it, I was able to lean into the grace, and the irony that as a recovering perfectionist, I have made so many mistakes. And maybe because I tried, there is no wondering what if. And I would always rather know than wonder. XO