Time out taken…the ruling on the field might be overturned. The first date had been going so well, but he just asked to hold my hand across the table while we eat breakfast. It’s not that it’s unsportsmanlike conduct, but it’s definitely feeling like encroachment. It’s also causing my glitch, or what many refer to as the ick. For me, it comes on suddenly and does not go away. If I manage to ignore it, the game might go into overtime, but is never a win.
In this match-up, we had met on a dating app six months prior to this first date. We had initially messaged enough to feel comfortable moving to text. One day, he just didn’t reply to my last message. I was also messaging with someone else and that was gaining more momentum, so while his lack of response was slightly puzzling, it helped me more quickly narrow my focus. Fast forward four or so months, I’m mid-flight and receive an apology text from him. He explained the life circumstances that put dating on hold, and was wondering if I was still interested. I told him I understood, appreciated the apology and interest, but was now seeing someone. My relationship ended months later, and this time it was my turn to reach out and assess interest in meeting.
I had my typical first date excitement, with the unwavering optimism that somehow (somehow!) still persists. We met downtown for brunch, and it was really enjoyable. Great energy with a mix of fun and deep conversation. Attraction. Then I saw his outstretched arm with fingers beckoning, and asked if he was wanting my hand. He said yes, took it and then shared that this is his test. He does this on all of his first dates to assess how affectionate his date is, holding eye contact the entire time. Wait what? This is a first date. I don’t know your last name, and I never eat with one hand while someone is holding my other. Across the table. Staring into each other’s eyes. IMO, that does not make me cold. I have a lifetime of eating with two hands, a fan of using my knife. And in this case, I had Eggs Benedict. I asked for my hand back, failing the test, and the whole date vibe was off after that. Just like in a game, you could feel the momentum change, but unlike a game, it then came to a complete stop.
How does something seemingly small, albeit awkward, cause such a shift? Or is it just the moment of clarity upon learning more? And what if it was presented more as a something liked, but not a test? What if this was the older times, when there weren’t so many options at our fingertips? I have often wondered if I discount too quickly. But when I know, I know, and I don’t know how to rebound. If I had truly been super into him, would this have felt endearing rather than uncomfortable? If he had been super into me, would he make this not a pass/fail test date one, but open to seeing what meals down the road looked like?
We all have our deal-breakers and this was just a very obvious and verbalized one. Just like most of the time though, the “thing” is never really the thing. There is much more below the surface. And again, it’s more the moment you know, and it’s easy to make that moment about the thing. My girlfriend and I were recently talking about when we have been really crazy about someone, so many “things” don’t matter. There’s grace with love, right? That’s how the relationship I was in right before this date was. So was this date really great at the beginning, or was I hoping it was to help explain why my last relationship ended? In retrospect, it would have been beneficial to take a bye week, or a bye month to process that and not enter a new season so quickly.
I would like to give a heartfelt shout-out to my teammates who I frequently talk to on the way to and on the way home from a date. One in particular was almost as excited about this match-up as I was. She loved the story behind it, and the warmth in his eyes from his photos I had shared. I called her and she answered immediately. I led with, “he’s just not my guy,” and then recounted the date. She was laughing and supporting, and we talked about how a past people pleasing version of me would have tried to eat one handed. That’s definitely forward progress.
He sent a text soon after thanking me for sharing my morning and ended it with, “you are lovely.” That is what Jude Law says to Cameron Diaz in The Holiday, and that moment has always stuck with me. For a brief second, I wondered if we could rebound from this brunch, with a side of awkward as its final course. But when you know, you know. And we both knew. I returned the thank you and that was that. Dating really gives you this beautiful mirror into yourself, and after this, I knew I needed to put myself on injured reserve for a bit and heal my heartbreak before getting back on the field. XO