A girlfriend just heard those words from her “Big.” You. Haunt. Me. He, too, has thought about her for years and they recently reconnected. Future TBD, but how incredible to have feelings reciprocated. And they just conquered any fear of vulnerability and were rewarded. Does everyone have a Big? A one that got away? What about when it isn’t mutual? How can you feel so strongly about someone and it’s totally one-sided? And, would you want to know, or would you rather live in the fantasy of “What if?”

For most of life, I am a big believer in going for it, so you get an answer either way. But in this case, I’m not so sure. For someone to take up such a valuable piece of real estate in your heart, in your head, there is a reason. They played an important role in your life, and it must not have ended in a way that you fought for closure. So maybe this is the elite few, or one, that it was more about timing in life. Circumstances. And if you force the conversation, the answer you get may not be what it could be, if these talks happen more organically. When life unfolds. Down the road.

The best advice I had for this friend, while she waits to see what he does: 1. Keep working on yourself, figuring out who YOU are, and what YOU want. 2. The triangle theory. This “Big” is not a sure thing. He’s got stuff to figure out, so I think she should still be open to dating others. The somewhat obvious idea, with the triangle theory, is by dating a few people, you don’t put too much weight on any one person, too soon. The key is too soon. I know I have scared away great guys when I was anxious and in need of a relationship to complete me. And I have been scared off when a guy was way too in, too soon. It really is this beautiful dance of interest, availability, and self-worth.

But again, how can “the one that got away,” the “Big,” be so one-sided? I went to a high-school reunion, at which my boyfriend from high school told me he had thought about me for 20 years and wished he had treated me better. Wait, what?! I had not thought about him for 20 years, maybe because he hadn’t treated me great, so props to younger me for that realization. But this certainly affected me. It’s really nice to hear that someone thought about you for two decades, and knew, maybe before you did, that you deserved to be treated better. A couple years ago, I had a reach out from an ex in which he actually used the Big analogy. He said he felt like he was trapped in a Steve and Miranda situation, but felt like we were Big and Carrie. That made me feel sad for him, and I tried to suggest that he was romanticizing us, but he disagreed. So a theme, with this sample group of two, is possibly regret. They wished they had done things differently. Is that what makes someone the one you think about? If only you could meet them now, as who you are today, maybe things would be different? I think we are onto something here. You want another chance. Maybe now the timing is right.

Note to self: remember that quote by Danielle LaPorte: make space in your life for the inevitable arrival of what you want.

Speaking of chances, there is a chance that I could be wondering about someone who does not wonder about me. Do I want to know? Not really, yet. Because I don’t think I need to, at this moment, and I don’t think this has truly unfolded. It still feels fully unexplored, and I trust that what is for me, is for me, and will happen if it’s meant to. But there is a power to clearing space. My iCloud storage is almost full. I can easily upgrade, but the challenge I took on was first seeing what I could do to create more space. When I have 20,000+ photos, I am fairly certain they are not all special. Same with so many text messages. I used to “spring clean” my contacts every year, but then you get texts from people and have no idea who they are, and you can’t block them on dating apps. As I’m creating space, and cathartically swiping entire text threads from exes, I hear from someone I do really like. It felt like that magical wink from the Universe that I was removing blocks.

Maybe there is something about the possible one that is more of a cloud than a block. It’s light and fluffy, but wouldn’t keep something, or someone, from getting to you. And maybe it’s more about ourselves, how much we have grown, and how we would love the opportunity to show up differently. And maybe, just maybe, you do somehow find your way back to each other and mutually feel haunted. Wouldn’t that be something? XO