I spoke at my grandma’s funeral. We were extremely close, and she lived a long life, so we had many years of friendship. It was a great speech, if I do say so myself. Upon request, I emailed it to the family afterwards, and my brother said that it seemed funnier at the time. It did, because humor at a funeral is more unexpected. Everyone is feeling sad, with defenses down, slightly vulnerable, so things land differently, and more intensely. Not that the energetic is exactly the same between a funeral and a first date from a dating app, but there is an obvious parallel when it comes to expectations.

A first date typically has high hopes (that song always pops into my head) ideally tempered with low expectations. The bar is low so it is easy to exceed it. Too easy, really. I often suggest a coffee shop that is in my neighborhood. I have sat there many times, enjoying the company of the man across from me. I always try to learn something or figure out why we are meant to connect, but have deduced that sometimes it’s just for him, and his journey. What he needs. We will hug and say goodbye and I will reflect on the date upon my walk home. Many times, I have thought that was really fun AND I’m totally fine if I never see him again.

Ask me how I know and I would say I just know. So what about the first date that seems good enough to commit to a second date? Maybe it was great and maybe it’s more situational. Trying to get over someone else? Just had a worse date and this is shining bright because of that? Or is this someone you really want to see again? At the time, it’s not always clear but the days following illuminate it. Also, for me, my best dates that have often evolved into a relationship-I didn’t want those to end. They flowed. He didn’t ask if I have siblings. I absolutely love my siblings, but I feel like that question, on a first date, is a space filler.

I’m not quite sure what happened last night on a second date. The first date had been four days before and there was a lot of momentum even leading up to that. It was a great first date, even somewhat rom-commy. We picked a place where we could get a good lunch and watch some football, and sat there for hours. Then went to another place and bowled a game. I broke my not-drinking-on-a-first-date rule, and I’m now wondering if that played into how I’m feeling this morning. There was good chemistry and mutual interest in having a second date. The days in between the two dates were filled with the right amount of communication and build. It’s a precarious balance to strike, right? Too little communication can cause the momentum to slow and too much can feel like too….much.

He picked me up, for the second date, and I immediately got my glitch. From the moment that happens, my mind is racing trying to figure out what caused that and if I can override it. And why didn’t I get this glitch on the first date? Again, there is something about a first date from a dating app that is not quite telling. If you’ve been on the apps awhile, you have likely experienced disappointment when you have met some, or many, of your matches. Chemistry is unpredictable and I know I begin to create a persona from the little bit I know, the few photos I have seen, prior to in-person connection. That’s not necessarily fair to “him,” but it is what happens. So a mediocre first date might feel amazing because it was good. Good, not great. Do cocktails make good seem great? I think so.

Note to self: I’ve always said that drinking makes me less interesting and “him” more interesting. I need to remember that.

The details of the evening aren’t that important, but for the first time ever, I said that I could get myself home. He left the restaurant before I did. As I’m walking out, I hear my name and see someone I have known for years. We actually matched on an app three years prior, went out a couple times and developed a loose friendship. Our worlds overlap so our paths cross. I told him what had just happened and he said, “you looked like you were having a good time.” What I am trying to figure out is how I knew so quickly on the second date. A version of this played out with someone else, days prior, but I knew leading up to the second date, which I should have cancelled.

Where did it go wrong, or maybe I just needed more information to make a better decision. Alcohol, for me, delays the glitch. I barely drink, so when I do, it affects me pretty quickly. The weight of all this misjudgment is weighing on me, and I can feel the familiar pattern kicking in of beating myself up and feeling lost. Since I’m more cognizant of this pattern, and work so hard to extend grace to myself, I’m fighting to see this differently. Maybe it’s just the natural development of dating and relationships. Dating is peeling back the layers and getting to know someone. And there is no way to know everything on a first date, and definitely not before a first date happens. So there was enough there, in the pre-date communication, to want to meet. And there was enough there on the first date to warrant a second date. But there was not enough there to want a third date. I guess that is pretty fast. We are talking hours here. Not weeks. Not months. And certainly not years.

Walking the mile home from the restaurant, barefoot and carrying my heels, a girlfriend kept me company on the phone. As I’m somewhat frenetically explaining the evening to her, she is doing her best to follow along and piece together the timeline. When it became clear, she started laughing and basically said good job, in the past version of you would have stayed a lot longer. She’s right and I appreciated the grace and reminder. Another girlfriend who I talked with last night asked how I knew. Like what made the glitch appear. I told her I just know. And this even came up on my date. He said that he felt like I was making a bigger deal of certain differences and I tried to explain to him that I felt off early on in the date, and was trying to figure out why. What it was. Is it better to try to be specific or should I have said I just knew the second he picked me up? It was weird. And it feels icky. I did receive a nice text from the guy-friend I ran into at the restaurant, and thanked him for being a kind, bright spot in a dark moment. And while I may have looked like I was having a good time, I wasn’t. And that’s exhausting. So feeling all the feelings, toeing the waters of high and low self-worth, feeling frustration with myself that I get into these situations, I have decided that it’s a sign to reinvest my energy. I deleted the dating app and that felt good.

As you don’t know before you know, is the solution to possibly not schedule a second date on the first? What do you do if you’re not feeling it but he asks you out again, right then? The Aries in me is very direct and I am not a fan of kicking anything down the road. Plus, I don’t want to be led on so I don’t want to do that to someone else. I guess you just do the best you can in the moment. And, for the record, funeral or not, the speech I gave was really great. And funny. But not as great as my grandma, because she was a rockstar. And I could sure use her advice today. XO