The other night, I am out with some girlfriends, sitting at the bar of a happening local restaurant that looks like it’s right out of a Serena & Lily catalogue. The bar is a big rectangle and I got there first, so had the perfect view of the door and the developing scene. As there is someone in my life that I really like right now, I was truly there to connect with my girlfriends, but it is always fun to look around and appreciate a good scene. Towards the end of our night, this guy kept looking over. I thought maybe my friend had bumped his chair, or he was wanting one of our seats. Nope. Instead, he came over to me and said, “you’re really pretty.” Then he left the restaurant.

I know I said thank you, my gf said I was super sweet, but it happened really fast and was so not what I was expecting. First off, major props to this guy because it’s intimidating walking up to a group. And then, why say that and then leave immediately? AND! What if I had just assumed he was thinking that, instead of wondering if my gf had bumped into his chair?

Which brings me to a conversation I had the other day. One of my best friends was telling me about how she and her boyfriend are on this total health kick. Eating clean and working out a ton. He, of course, is losing weight faster and is feeling super proud of his progress. She is the ultimate cheerleader and is always encouraging and praising him. I picture a peacock strutting around when she describes his new confidence. She has been working really hard, is feeling good, and he has not made one comment about how she looks. This has made her question his interest and go to some pretty insecure places. I asked her, what if he already thought you looked amazing and didn’t need to improve? We laughed about how he is essentially in a no-win situation. If he told her how great she looks, her mind would go to: did he not think I looked good before? We had a lot of fun talking about how incredible it would be if she could just assume that he always thinks she looks beautiful, and doesn’t see improvement, because she was already perfect in his eyes. How beneficial it would be to let go of the insecurity. We create such dark stories that aren’t based in fact, just fear.

Note to self: if you’re gonna tell yourself a story, make it a good one, that’s positive and builds you up.

Right before the guy at the bar said that, I had just gone to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. These days, my hair is shorter than I like it. My flowy summer dress felt frumpy. My makeup didn’t feel perfect as it is so hot right now and we had been having some emotional conversations. I went back to my seat at the bar, certainly not feeling pretty. So maybe it’s too much of a reach trying to pretend that you feel good when you don’t, maybe it’s more about not being so hard on yourself. And how amazing life could be to just assume that everyone looking at you is thinking something positive? And not just looks related, but whole person related.

This is so much deeper than appearance. After decades of playing small, assuming I did something wrong so I wouldn’t be blind-sided if someone was upset with me, I am done. This isn’t yet perfected, but I really am trying to not be so hard on myself. First off, as we know, everyone is so focused on themselves that they are not thinking about you, or me, as much as we think. And! Who has it all figured out? Seriously. Where did the belief that everyone else has the owner’s manual to life come from? I have always thought that if I am the one that manufactures my own stress, I hold the power to stop doing that. If I am the one that is so hard on myself, I can be the one to be kind to myself. And if I am going to create a story, my goal is to make it an encouraging one. Giving myself credit for always trying. Always going for it. Extending the kindness and grace I extend to others to myself. As Snow Patrol sings, “I need your grace to remind me to find my own.” Here’s to grace for you, for me. You’re doing a great job and you’re really pretty. Always. XO