The adage about how you can’t visit the same river twice, because you are not the same and the river is not the same, doesn’t seem to fully apply to getting back together with an ex. Which is somewhat puzzling when I know I’m not the same. But is the current of familiarity so strong that it overwhelms any growth? And do you end up in the exact same spot of the trail when the relationship ends, or are you closer to base camp? Maybe it is easier to pack the car this time around and get out of there, focused on the road ahead, but it is still very much like a movie that you’ve already seen. Here we are again. Same characters. Similar plot. Same disappointing ending. As I reflect on this summer, I wonder if when I heard from this ex, if I had asked him: Has anything changed with you? And let’s say he said, no, I just need a date for XYZ and we always have fun together. I still would have shared my summer with him. And I did go in with that mindset, knowing he’s a Plus-one guy. So where does it go off course?

It builds. One party at a time. One weekend that spills into dates in the week. Momentum opens the door to its sneaky friend, hope. There seems to be more this time than the last few times we tried. Or is there? Is this another instance where I see what I want to see? Transfer my feelings and expectations onto him? When someone shows you so many times what they value, believe them. So I think the river works, when it flows how he wants it to. And I shrink myself into the version that feels like this is enough. And sometimes life is heavy and this dynamic is the perfect fit. Until it isn’t. And sometimes it seems like this works, if I can remain open to meeting someone else. But I’ve realized I can’t. So maybe it was the same rafting trip this time around, but it is all part of the flow of life. When he reached out months ago, I was seeing someone else, another rekindled ex, that it was just not working with. But I had been given another chance with him to gain more information and know for sure. So this reach out was the catalyst to ending that, feeling clear minded that I knew what Plus-one offered. Light and fun. Within the first couple of weeks of our reconnection, I also met someone else. A great guy. The guy who plans really nice dates. The guy who at the end of a date asks: When can I see you again? The guy I really wanted to want. We went on three dates. Great dates with a great guy. Lunch. Sushi. Hot yoga. He asked me questions about myself. That should be a given, but it’s not. Not to this depth. Someone who wanted to understand the why behind me.

There was a lot of alignment, but sadly, I knew he wasn’t my guy. I tried. And when I explained that there were a lot of other priorities in my life at the moment, (true, and why Plus-one stood a chance, light and easy), he said: I’ll wait for you. Wait, what? We hadn’t even known each other a week. I told him to please not wait for me. That’s a lot of pressure. He also said that if I changed my mind, he’d bring me on his Cabo trip at the end of the month. This was instant relationship guy. He was all-in early on. Yet, I chose to spend my summer with someone who has no interest in exclusivity. And that is what I am unpacking on this early morning. There are many relationship “experts” who talk about how attraction can build. That you shouldn’t want a spark. Don’t confuse chemistry as that is just an unregulated nervous system…But I know myself. And while I can hear some of that advice and let it spur me on to go on one extra date with someone, I also am no longer outsourcing my intuitive knowing and gut feeling to others. If I don’t even want to hold someone’s hand, that is extremely telling.

I wouldn’t circle back to this guy because it would give him hope. And I do know I tried. And I do know that I wanted to feel a certain way about him. Hence the three dates. While timing did play a factor, it was greater than that. And maybe that’s why we do entertain exes. There was a connection at one point and maybe the timing was off. And maybe now, something has changed. Maybe someone has changed. And if the rapids were fun, maybe it’s the exact journey you need at that time. Just don’t stay in the boat too long once you know that it’s the same. When I hopped off the raft this summer, I quickly met someone new. Someone who I hadn’t even known existed. Someone who reignited my hope that you just never know what can happen. Last summer, it took me a while to heal. This summer was almost immediate. So while the river was eerily similar, I wasn’t. Even at the time, I made sure to show up authentically, with no stories. Given another opportunity to know I tried. And I think that’s why life gives you a repeat sometimes. To get the chance to go through it as who you have become, and not only realize how much you’ve grown, but to finally close a door that has been open too long. XO