“Can you cement a door shut?” I asked my girlfriend while I was explaining that a door I held open for almost a decade was forever closed. I was referring to someone I had dated on and off, and sharing what I had just heard about him that was beyond disgusting that there would be no future anything with this guy ever. Never ever. Finally. Hence the cemented door. She said, ” I was so surprised that you had given him another chance after how he was when your mom was dying.” Uffff. That comment took me back to last summer when my mom was in the hospital for a week and what was the beginning of the end. He and I had been seeing each other for months. Traveling together. Going to parties, dinners etc. When this terrible time started, he was nowhere to be seen. After a while of no effort from him, I said that I was finally closing our chapter. He said, “I realize that I haven’t been prioritizing us but work has been busy, I’ve had my son, and I’ve been golfing more than ever before.” WTF. Basically I’m sorry you are going through what will be one of the hardest things you will have ever have to go through, but I have a tee time.

I remember feeling sick when I received that text. First I felt sick and then I shared it with my friends. Thank goodness for the friends that can soften sadness with humor. I received comments back like: Give the guy a medal. It became almost a verbal meme with my friends and would have the ironic tone of acknowledging that this is a guy who really is doing it all. Golfing. More than ever. Before. So when I walked into a party at my girlfriend’s house with him this summer, you can understand her surprise at seeing us together again. She did not show it and greeted him with her typical enthusiasm, but now I know what she was thinking. That golf comment, and what I just learned about him, has left me feeling embarrassed that I was ever associated with him. That I ever thought he was anything different than what I had been warned about for years. I could go on and on about his character flaws, but the more pressing issue here is why did I grant access to someone like that? For years. And years. And how do I quit beating myself up for those low standards?

I started by making a list of the good that came out of knowing him. Great friendships with people I wouldn’t have met had we not been at a squash tournament together. A party together. Trips to new destinations. There were fun experiences. But I’m fun, so he doesn’t really get that credit. Joking, but not really. But still, it helped to think about the positives. I have also been thinking about how I truly do see what I want to see in someone. And I hear what I want to hear. Until it is time to take those rose colored glasses off and remove the ear plugs. So now I have a goal to see and hear more accurately and sooner next time. Clarity doesn’t come until it’s meant to. And in this case, it has finally come. With a cement mixer. XO