At a beautiful hotel, with colleagues on a work trip, I ordered the açaí bowl for breakfast. The server went into great detail about how they make their bowls, and I nodded as if paying attention. I wasn’t really listening as it felt like she was giving me information I already possessed. When my bowl arrived, it was not what I was expecting. Instead of the frozen smoothie consistency, it was more of an oatmeal. It was mushy and bland. My colleagues could tell I was disappointed, and one said, “it is exactly as she described.” He was 100% correct. I had heard what I wanted to hear. I “knew” what an açaí bowl was, so totally tuned out what she said. I also didn’t pay attention to the description on the menu since I “knew.”

This breakfast experience led me to reflect on a past relationship and how I kept choosing to see the best version of him, which was how he showed up at the beginning. Not only who he was early on, but also who I believed he was. What I wanted in partnership, and truly what I thought this could be. And it was so real and convincing. And it was exactly what I have been looking for. As time went on, I kept holding on to that version, even though his actions were analogous to the server describing the açaí bowl. He was showing me his priorities. Over and over. But I was not paying attention because I was so sure he was the other version. That’s on me. It would be as if I reordered the bowl, certain that they had gotten it wrong and what I wanted would arrive. That’s just now how it works. Or maybe more like I had been to this hotel before and they had the best açaí bowl. Then they changed their menu, but I kept thinking it would be how it once was. They say we send an ambassador of ourselves in early dating. That it takes time to really see who someone is. Of course it takes time, but we also know more than we realize. In Blink, Malcolm Gladwell brilliantly discusses thin slicing. The idea that what we process quickly, our immediate take, is more accurate, and when additional information is presented, it can lead us to a false judgement. I am doing the book no justice and highly recommend it. My gut, my intuition, knew date three that things weren’t exactly how I thought they were. But I kept going. Adding emotion and experiences, to create the love story I wanted. The story I still, somehow, believe exists. Again, that’s on me. Four weeks in, I told my girlfriend that I had lost the spark. She said, maybe like your keys, you can find it again. I did not want to walk away from what I had felt and made every effort to show up and try to find the spark again. I think keys are easier to find.

Note to self: Remember that Peter Crone quote: “If people could understand the disservice it is to make another human being wrong in any capacity…that alone opens up an entirely new world for people of compassion, love, acceptance, and for ourselves of relief, because I don’t need for people to be a certain way for me to be okay.“

Dating is designed to peel back the layers. Know on date one if you want a date two. I am pretty good with that, there was just something about the aforementioned ex that felt different. It was so easy with him to future-trip and think that I had finally found IT. That some of what changed was situational and could change back. Because life is constantly presenting us with situations that vie for our attention. After he ended it, it took a while to let go of the fantasy and see the reality of what it was. Thank goodness for friends that could remind me of times I doubted it when we were still together. They could remind me of concerns I had. I still sometimes wonder about him. Some people are harder than others to truly close the door on. Sometimes it’s timing, and sometimes it’s not having met someone else yet that makes you feel more.

On a recent first date, and aware of my patterns to see what I want to see, and hear what I want to hear, I was challenging myself to hold space to see him clearly. It helped that I knew very little about him, so didn’t really have preconceived notions. Felt more curious than anything. It was a great date. Deep. Fun. He was super handsome. There was mutual interest and attraction. He was so open and vulnerable, and even shared that he is avoidant and creates a push-pull dynamic in relationships. He laughed and said, “you’ve been forewarned.” I laughed too. But reflecting on that later definitely gave me pause. It felt like the Universe testing me in a sense to hear what someone was saying, not what I wanted to hear. A push-pull dynamic isn’t funny. It’s exhausting and kind of familiar. And major props to him for doing the work and knowing his patterns. And props to me for hearing him clearly. It would have been easy to be blinded by his handsomeness and vulnerability.

So, like that Peter Crone quote, it’s not that anyone is wrong, they’re just not the right fit. And it can take time to know that. If you are wanting an açaí bowl, and overnight oats appear, you can see if it’s satisfying. But you have to take it at face value. Upon graduation from high school, I attended a self development program in which they talked about our “already always listening.” The filter. Our preconceived notion. I further expanded on this decades later reading The Untethered Soul, in which he writes about the roommate in our head. The constant chatter. The ego. We all have this and do this. Seeing the world through our lens. Of what we believe and what we know. We are the co-creators of our experiences. That is beyond powerful. So if you believe that love, LOVE, exists, it can be easy to see it in so many. I look for, and find, the best in people, and I don’t want that to ever change. The goal is to not let that cloud my judgment. Awareness is the first step. And if actions speak louder than words, truly paying attention to the reality. Not the fantasy. Look for consistency and effort. And also trusting that we know. We just sometimes don’t want to know. XO