On the dating apps, one of the commonly used prompts is “a non-negotiable is…” A girlfriend and I were recently laughing about this because I shared a screenshot in which the guy chose this prompt, and said “alcoholics or chain smokers.” My gf asked, so you have to be an alcoholic or a chain smoker? And his photo beneath the prompt was him holding up a Heineken. She and I were giggling about this but it got me thinking. Many misuse this prompt and obviously the better prompt would have been “dealbreakers are…” I even googled non-negotiable to confirm I was using it correctly. The AI overview said: “A nonnegotiable is essentially something you have to have or more accurately, something you cannot compromise on because it’s a core value, boundary, or essential condition for you, defining what you must have for your well-being, a deal, or a relationship to work.“

I included the lengthy definition because it resonated. I love the part about something you cannot compromise on because it’s an essential condition for you. And it’s such a more positive mindset than focusing on dealbreakers. Looking through this lens is empowering and helps separate the person, who may be very likable, from the behavior, which may be less than you want, and way less than what you deserve. The must-have mindset simplifies things. Early on in the dating journey, it’s typical that people’s lists are more about the surface stuff like looks and money than the BIG things. Of course attraction needs to be there, and likely ambition too. If I think right now on what I would not compromise on…it’s availability, monogamy, kindness, integrity…Those are not possible to decipher from a dating app profile and all take time to recognize. Definitely to know for sure. Monogamy is the outlier as that is easy to recognize, but can take time to agree upon. How long does it take to know if someone is truly kind? To know if someone lives their life with integrity? It is fairly easy to be fooled for a couple of weeks. Maybe a couple of months. It’s a gut feeling too.

I recently got on Bumble again, and lasted an entire week before deleting my profile. It was fun and there is someone I am excited about. There were a few promising matches, actually, right away. I shared one guy’s profile with my gf and she agreed that he seemed super aligned for me. He and I matched quickly and he shared his number in his second message. I don’t love texting so soon, as a lot can be learned about you from your phone number. And everyone googles phone numbers, btw. I did text him and that’s how we started messaging that first night. The next morning he sent a sweet morning text. I told him I was heading to Starbucks before meeting a friend for a walk. He then texted me a Starbucks gift card. How abundant and sparkly is that? Generosity is on my list, and that was a baller move. When we had messaged, he said he kept a place in my city, but he primarily lived in another state. He used a word that was throughout my profile, intentional, and said that he would move back for the right reasons. So far, so good. As he was only in town for a couple days over Christmas, we were finding it difficult to align our schedules to meet. So a phone call was the best next step. When we spoke, I asked him about his journey moving away, how often he came back etc. It took a few minutes to connect the dots, but the place he kept in my city was his married home. Where his ex-wife lives, and he was staying in the guest room. Now I don’t know the details of their divorce, just that it was five years ago, but that doesn’t sound like it’s his place that he kept. It would definitely make the question, “your place or mine?” easy to answer. We talked long enough where I could just tell that this wasn’t a connection I was interested in pursuing.

Note to self: wait before sharing your phone number. A lot can be learned about you.

There is this weird occurrence with dating apps, where you see a little, read a little, and begin to create a persona. I have often gone back and looked at a profile, after a conversation or a date, to see what I missed. Trying to get better at choosing. But I think it’s also impossible to make an accurate judgement from the minimal amount of information, that is highly curated, on most profiles. An out of town guy, who has flexibility in his life, is not a dealbreaker for me. My life is fairly flexible and I am open to things being different than I have ever imagined. I also love my independence and sometimes think I would still want to have my own home, and he would have his own home. But not his ex-wife’s home. Thinking about my non-negotiables…they are subjective. Except for monogamy. That’s pretty cut and dry, easy to define. But integrity, kindness, generosity-those mean different things to different people. I would not use the non-negotiable prompt because I think most people think they possess those. That’s where alignment comes in. Does your version of integrity align with mine?

Even if everything lines up on your non-negotiable or deal breaker list, there is the ultimate decider of chemistry. And as we all know, chemistry is elusive and unpredictable. And then I would say, that’s where the magic comes in. So while it can seem complicated, I truly believe you meet people, your person, when you are meant to. That day of the Starbucks gift card, I was heading to the park to meet another Bumble date. But it didn’t really feel like a date, as it was someone I had known for years. We met 9 years prior in yoga, and had loosely been in touch via social media. I had a crush on him early on, only to find out he had a girlfriend. Fast forward many years, and I see him on Bumble. We match, message, and find a time to meet. I changed our original date day and time, and also suggested a different spot in the park than where he had suggested. That day, I am waiting on the corner and think I see him crossing the street, so I’m smiling. The guy crossing the street is also smiling, and is also not my date. We start talking and he asks who I’m meeting. I, being the open book that I am, share the yoga crush-now-bumble date backstory. I even shared that I had a feeling it would be more of a friend vibe. I, in turn, asked who he was meeting. He shared that he meets up with his high school girlfriend once a year. I asked where they went to high school, and find out they went to my high school and were two years younger. This guy is not my guy, that’s not where this story is going. But it made for a super fun addition to my already sparkly morning, and reaffirmed to me that you meet who you’re meant to meet, when you’re meant to meet them. As my date and I talked about this (that’s what makes guys who do yoga so attractive-they tend to be super spiritual), he pointed out how I had changed our day and location. He stated the obvious, that there are no coincidences. For some reason, all of our paths were meant to intersect.

My takeaway from that was that there is so much more than we can see, and when we are in our authenticity, life happens for us. I changed our date because I was able to get a last minute appointment for my son. I prioritized one of my top priorities. I changed the location because my date suggested the corner that was most convenient for him. Slight glitch. I used my words and shared where I was coming from. And I was my smiling and open self, that does easily strike up a conversation with a stranger. Everything about that moment was me being true to my self. That day reminded me that a non-negotiable is someone who is spiritual. I don’t want to date myself, but I do want to date someone who also appreciates the sparkly serendipity in the world. So here’s to our non-negotiables, our dealbreakers, our lists, but mostly to the magic that creates chemistry. And the chemistry that evolves into safety for your heart. May you be on your perfect corner in your perfect timing. XO