It was the best delivery of the question I had heard. We were in the lounge area of one of the hottest restaurants in town, and it was actually a great first date. He started listing so many compliments about me and I knew it was coming. “How is it that you are still single? How on earth are you available?” I started with, “well, thank you for all of that. Super sweet. I have dated a lot. A lot. And haven’t found what I know exists. I’m also recently out of a relationship.” I braced myself for the next question, “how recently?” but thankfully it did not come. I would have answered honestly. And the answer would have been “yesterday.” Also, “single, again” is more applicable for me than “still single.” Every relationship, but the right one, will end.

How do you know when you are ready to move on? Yesterday. One of the best relationships I have had ended the day before. I got back on Bumble the same day. Why? Because I loved how I showed up in this dynamic. I wouldn’t have changed a thing. The ending confirmed my intuition. It also helped to remember that I have a pattern of closed doors in my life. The wrong doors close and whatever has ended, been taken away, or never came to pass, has been replaced with an up level. ALWAYS. It tracks that this was one of the best, if not the best partnership, since they just keep getting better and better. I know what I want. I know who I am. For the first couple weeks, I thought that this was IT. I felt like if I could have created a man, it would be him. We became exclusive on our 4th date, which was only 5 days after we first met. The momentum was crazy.

After the first couple weeks, as you might expect, things slowed down. The guy who previously walked me to my car, now didn’t. He lived in a great neighborhood so it wasn’t necessary, but it had existed at one time. So I knew he had that capacity. I would try to unpack that with my girlfriends. Is it because now he “has me,” that he doesn’t feel the need to do that? In my mind and in my experience, a gentleman is typically a gentleman. And if that is important to them, it continues. And it really stands out. So as he is getting to know me more, he is “protecting” me less? That doesn’t sit well. This wasn’t a deal breaker, but more a curious glitch. Two weeks in and I am now on his top step and he has closed and locked the front door. That did not feel amazing. My coach had great advice to not attach a story to his actions. But you can have preferences. I like this. I don’t like that. It wasn’t something I wanted to bring up with him, because I loved the guy who naturally did that, and didn’t want him to only do that since it was a thing for me. Does that make sense? And I had never really had the guy who was such a gentleman, so this was again part of the man I would create.

Bright and brief. As the momentum waned, and my interest in tandem, I fought hard to manufacture the excitement I felt early on. Was that a mistake? I was SO excited about this guy that I couldn’t believe it was already fading. I didn’t want to create a story. I wanted to hold space for things he was going through that could possibly explain this. Was part of the problem becoming exclusive so soon? My first date and I discussed this. He was sharing that when he meets someone and really likes them, he prefers to focus solely on that person. That’s really cool and this guy is a GOOD guy. I can tell. But I did counter that with my recent (yesterday) relationship, that I wondered if our early exclusivity created a complacency early on. He had me. He had all of me. And maybe now two-week version of him was not the real him. He could coast now. I don’t know. I’m still sad about that ending, but can see it clearly. I mourn the guy I thought he was. The man I would have designed.

So it can be both. You can miss someone and still be ready to meet someone new. But maybe not totally ready for the next relationship. As I was discussing my first date with my girlfriend, she said I likely wasn’t in a place to truly evaluate a new connection fairly. Excellent point. And she’s right. I was comparing and contrasting with the last guy. That’s not fair. But that’s also life. And the conversation the other night was actually better and deeper than in my past relationship. And maybe exclusivity with this new guy wouldn’t create a complacency. Who knows. I’m not there yet. But an up level is coming. I can feel it. XO