I have a girlfriend who often says, “well that was not on my bingo card this year.” I thought this was her thing until I saw it on a reel, and realized it’s just A thing. It’s often said in a pleasantly surprised way. She reconnected with an ex. He ended it last year, saying he needed a few weeks to figure things out. Seven months later, they matched (again) on Bumble. She had debated swiping right, and thankfully did. When they matched, she sent a cute message and his response was …surprising. Can I get a B-10. B-10. He said he thought she hated him because she had stopped following him on Insta and had removed him as one of her followers. Wait, what?! Guys notice that stuff? She did that for self preservation. It felt crummy seeing him on vacation, seemingly living his best life, while she was kind of waiting for him to come back to her. Waiting for him to choose her. Like he’s The Bachelor. Ugh, why do we do that?

This time around, it’s going great. She is much stronger than when they first met. He is much more intentional and showing up incredibly. N-17. N-17. It is one of those love stories that makes me really believe in timing. And the magic out there. This version of her has more of a voice, and I’m sure he finds that more attractive. Most strong men would. This version of him is communicating like a rock star, prioritizing time with her, and making plans. In advance. And choosing to see her over other options. Sounds incredible, right? Now, the anxiety has kicked in. She was wondering, what if he does all the things I wanted, makes all this effort,….and I’m not sure this is truly what I want? Now, it was my time to use the bingo card as an analogy. I-23. I-23. I said, and I thought this was good, it’s not like a bingo card where once he fills in each box, he wins you. It is not his decision to make. He may or may not be her guy. She doesn’t need to know yet. And whatever happens, they are helping one another grow–in the context of the relationship. Not necessarily for the relationship. But maybe, both.

And maybe, on the metaphorical bingo card, the boxes change. As we grow. As time passes. What once was enough to stamp a square, now doesn’t even leave a mark. I have really felt this in the last year. A lack of interest in mediocrity. Bread crumbs, that in the past I would use to make an entire loaf of emotion, now don’t even satisfy for a day. Unhealthy is unattractive, not a challenge to try to change someone. I believe it was Elizabeth Gilbert on a podcast who said if she could get back all the time she wasted on the wrong guys, she could be fluent in Mandarin. That stuck with me. As regret is not helpful, I don’t really regret all the time, just all the wishing and hoping and feeling like I wasn’t worthy to be chosen. When I felt like it was a reflection on my self-worth. That is what I would like to get back. But if I hadn’t gone through all of that, I wouldn’t be who I am now. And I am beyond grateful for my journey. Had I not had each one of my experiences, I might not have the depth of appreciation for the little things. The big things. The consistency. The effort. All of it.

There is a feeling I have when I run into certain exes. Not the big, deep exes, but more the significant at one time exes, typically measured in weeks or months. O-11. O-11. It’s typically a really nice, warm exchange and always makes me reflective. I heard something that helped describe how I feel. When you see what was, what could have been, it makes you grateful for what is. You take stock of your present situation with gratitude. Ideally, right? It also feels like a glimpse back in time to who I was. What I would have settled for in the past, and thankfully, that is so different than what is on my card now. And thank goodness we don’t design our own bingo cards. They would be based solely on what we know, what we have experienced, and wouldn’t leave room for the better. For the surprises. For the magic. XO