Trying to quit an ex. The struggle is real and my problem is that I always still think there is hope. The maybe. The what if. The running in the rain moment. He will just wake up one day and fight for me. For us. A good friend once told me that “they all come back.” As this has indeed been my experience, the timing has never aligned for the relationship to be rekindled. By the time the ex circles back, my grief has turned into gratitude, and it’s too late.

When a relationship ends, it is more the failure of the fantasy that I feel. I definitely miss what was but mostly what I thought might be. I have been the one to end most of them as the aforementioned glitch came and I just knew it was time. If he wasn’t my guy, I wasn’t his girl. It wasn’t everything I just know exists. Decisions made upon the realization that I would rather be alone than in this pairing.

My most recent breakup hurt. It was gradual as he moved away but we remained in touch. I was the one that suggested that it didn’t make sense to remain exclusive as I had no plans to move. He was choosing to leave us. And by the time he moved, I was ready for him to go. It had been strained and weird.

Then came months of constant being in touch and a deeper relationship bloomed. A friendship and more love than I had felt when he was here. The hook was that he was regretting his move and I had hope that he would come back. I found myself inviting him for the holidays or a weekend, once again thinking if he just experienced us, he would choose us.

Note to self: cold turkey is the best way to quit an ex. Delete the texts,the contact. Delete the hope. Make space.

Fast forward months of no visits and one day getting a text message (a text message!!) that he had met someone. Ouch. I felt kicked in the stomach and heart all at once. He offered being available after 3:00 my time if I wanted to talk. I replied with: “No need to talk or text.”

That night I literally googled “how to get over someone,” Nothing I read was ground-breaking but what did stand out was “don’t go back.” That resonated. Why would I keep our long text history if I didn’t have hope of him coming back? With one cathartic swipe, I deleted what felt like our entire relationship. I deleted some photos but hid most of them. I deleted his contact info. I removed my avatar from his cable. (I can still watch it-shhhh-he doesn’t know that)

I cried for weeks and one day a colleague asked if we were still together. I told her that he had moved and she said, “well you were kinda meh about him anyway.” Wait! What? She was right. When she and I had last seen one another, I was kind of unsure about him. This was a wake up call out of my poor-me. I quit crying and started healing.

The healing happened quickly once I was ready. Weeks later, I woke up to a text asking if we were still friends. I thought it was spam as this number wasn’t in my phone. After a bit of research in my deleted photos, one had been a screenshot from the app when he gave me his number, I realized it was him. I was able to send an authentic reply declining friendship at this time, explaining I would still have hope attached, and ended it with “while I may be an optimist in love, it can do me a disservice sometimes.” XO