Lately, I keep thinking about things I wish I had learned earlier, and how that knowledge would have affected the trajectory of my life. Or, at least the decisions I made. Which in turn would have altered the course. My thoughts are more tinged with curiosity than regret, as I love my life, and trust that I am right where I am meant to be. But, what if……At a recent meeting, the keynote speaker was asking, “who has the keys to your heart that does not deserve them? Who holds space in your thoughts that is not worthy of that privilege?”

It is empowering to know, and to remember, that we co-create our reality and choose who holds those keys and that space. And why, with billions of people in the world, would someone disinterested ever get that privilege? It’s all the wishing, hoping, and chasing that I wish I could get back. The time and energy spent on someone that was not available or not as interested. The questioning myself and trying to be who someone might want me to be. Ouch. And why did this dynamic not become unattractive faster?

I have been on both sides of it and it is complicated and varies from person to person. Self-worth has to be high enough to know you deserve better. Check. But it’s more than that. Some of us, who are ridiculously optimistic by nature, hold out for the possibility. Receive just enough positives to think there is hope. Bread-crumbing. It’s different this time. It could get there. Ok. So, let’s say it could. Is it better to just release it fully than try to sustain yourself on breadcrumbs? After much experience and deliberation on this, I do think so. What about the butterfly that will come back if it’s meant to be? Creating space for something better.

A girlfriend of mine is going through this at the moment. In addition to hours spent talking with her and unpacking this, I send her reels on “queen energy,” and share the posts about how unattractive disinterest should be. Rather than internalizing someone’s disinterest as a statement on one’s worthiness, it is more something to view as a flaw in him. If he can’t recognize how awesome she is, why would she want that guy? Easier said than done, of course. This guy came in hot and heavy, bringing her to a family event on date two. Like starting a marathon with a sprint, he petered out pretty quickly. It started with lapses in communication and lack of following through on plans. One night, when she knew he had gotten back into town, she texted to see how his trip was. The next morning, she received a response about how he somehow missed her text but did get caught up on his shows. What?! Yes, we can all “miss” a text, but have you ever missed one from someone you really liked, romantically? I can binge-watch with the best of them, but would never watch a show over connecting with someone that I was really into. As we were again talking about this, weeks after the fact, she said, “I mean, he does wear an Apple Watch. The text messages are literally attached to his body.” We laughed, but she is still in pain. Soon after the night that he caught up on his shows, he shared that he needed to take a break. He handled the conversation with kindness and grace. And was super transparent. We think. She is crazy about him and is choosing to give him the few weeks he said he needed. Verdict is out, but she is feeling empowered in her choice to wait. If he continues to not reach out, I hope she quickly wraps it up with a bow and puts it on the shelf, to be available for the love she wants and deserves. I offered space on the shelf I have with similar guys. But, this is her journey. I have held out way longer than a few weeks. And want better for her.

In the world of dating apps, where it feels like a new relationship can be a swipe away, there are so many red flags and deal breakers that are possibly unfair. My girlfriends and I are totally guilty of writing off a potentially good guy because: He lives in the suburbs. He misuses your and you’re. He seems super political. All of his pics are ice climbing and heli-skiing. He has a cat. He has dated a friend of a friend of a friend. You get the idea. So why, would lack of effort and interest not supersede ALL of that?? Especially, if he has gotten to know you and then still chooses to leave you wishing and hoping, confused and questioning yourself.

The magic formula always seems to be the release of the resistance to what is and the acceptance of what is. And remembering that there are literally billions of people in the world. And many with whom connection and chemistry are found. Forever, I believed in “the one.” Maybe I still do. I do believe that the love that is mutual, filled with ease, and just flows exists. And that it does not entail convincing someone to be with you. Or someone who chooses new episodes over you. Don’t you want the love that is far greater than a series finale? I know I do. XO