“Maybe this is as deep as he goes. You’ve reached his maximum depth.” Those were wise words from an even wiser girlfriend following my most recent breakup. And “breakup” may not be the right word as he did not see what we were doing as a relationship. Her comment got me thinking that the pool is the most perfect analogy. There are guys that prefer to swim in the shallow end, always looking around, wondering who else is in the pool. And the shallow end is crowded. Everyone can be there. It takes minimal effort. But if you are looking for more depth, the healthy approach isn’t to try to pull the shallow end guy into the deep end. The better approach is to get out of the shallow end, walk to the deep end and see who is there.
This visual was so freeing to me. If you are looking for a deep, consistent, monogamous relationship, you are literally swimming in the wrong end of the pool with the shallow guys. And it’s not necessarily that they are shallow people, but what they are wanting and have to give isn’t going to satisfy you if you are looking for more. And because it’s not that satisfying in the shallow end, that explains why many may want or need more than one swim partner.
The difficult part is you are not literally meeting these people in the pool, so it might not be obvious right away which swim team they are on. So what about the guys that give you just enough that it feels like they are wading deeper with you? It seems like it could get there. How long do you wait before you become pruny? And how do you know when someone will never get there? And, do you want to be the coach, or would you rather meet someone who has already trained?
The best part is that all the water from the shallow end is also in the deep end. So the fun things in the light relationship, carry into the deeper. The weekend getaways. The fun parties. It just doesn’t feel like 50 First Dates. It builds on itself. It does require more work to tread more water, which can translate into more strength too. And strength is hot.
And sometimes you just need to test the waters. Soon after said “breakup,” I met someone who lives his life in the deep end. There was consistency and effort. He was vulnerable and you could tell he was commitment guy. That didn’t make him my guy, but it was the perfect reminder that you have to meet people where they are. Not where you want them to be. Not where you wish and hope for them to be. Accept where people are. Just don’t make an exception if it’s not what you want. And as soon as you can see the situation clearly, that is your moment of power.
The toughest part of getting over someone is trusting that there is a better, more aligned fit. An abundant mindset, heart-set, that there are so many people you haven’t even met yet. It is taking the ex off the pedestal that they never deserved to be on. The best visual I now have is seeing the ex with an inner tube, splashing around. I then turn my head, looking in the other direction, and see someone on the high dive. The sun is in my eyes so I can’t quite see what he looks like, yet, but he is there and ready to take the plunge. And that is sexy. And deep. XO
