Last summer, I thought I may have met HIM. The guy who might put an end to this blog. We had matched on Bumble, talked a handful of times and texted a bit. Nothing too much, but there was mutual tempered excitement to meet. When he walked into the restaurant, I was pleasantly happy that he was handsome. Ideally, the real life version is better than the photos, but that is not always the case. We were seated in a booth and then just kind of stared at each other awkwardly. I was kind of nervous, and that really never happens. The conversation did not flow, but instead of it feeling like a bad thing, it felt like we needed to power through. Like this was an arranged date by the Universe.

We started talking and he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else. The restaurant was noisy and packed and I knew I would go anywhere with him. It was a great date, and at the end, he asked me out on a second date for Saturday night. I called both my parents on the drive home. This felt different. Exciting. Aligned. Saturday morning rolled around and neither one of us wanted to wait all day to see each other, so we decided to meet for breakfast. It was… fine. Fine? Again, the conversation stalled. It was quiet and I was trying to think of topics for discussion. So, it was actually more weird than fine. After breakfast, I followed him to Discount Tire so he could drop his car off. As we were leaving the tire store, he told me to turn left. LEFT. Then he asked, “why are you looking right if you are turning left?” Um, so I don’t get hit by a car? I, playfully, said “hey! I need directions, not instructions.” Playfully, I promise. Then he started YELLING “right! Right! Right!” And told me I missed the turn. I had thought I was going for a more major road and didn’t realize that he was referring to a street right there, where I should have turned. It was this crazy, heated, blur filled with his mumbling.

I said, I can’t believe you are talking to me like that. He said fine, I won’t tell you where to go then. It was such a bizarre turn of events. Or lack of turn, rather. Not knowing where I was, or where I was going, I asked him again for directions. AGAIN. He was like a petulant child, arms crossed, and eventually told me where to go and where to drop him off. The second he got out of the car, I called my girlfriend. She was quick to label him narcissistic, possibly abusive, etc. I felt kind of in shock, and so disappointed. My gf and I were able to find some humor in it, as we were laughing that at this stage, two dates in, everything I do should be seen as adorable. Like, so cute that I missed the turn. As the day became evening, he reached out, apologizing and asking me to come over so we could talk about it. Had this been a Choose your Own Adventure book, I should have flipped to the chapter where I told him no. Unfortunately, I chose to go. Why? To make sense of it maybe.

On the drive to meet him, I was optimistic. Maybe it was a one-off. I knew he was going through litigation and other stressful events. As soon as I got to his place, he started trying to kiss me. I pushed him away and said I was there to talk. He sat on the couch, crossed his arms, and said, “so talk.” WTF?? I proceeded to describe the earlier events, owned that my being playful could have come across as snarky. He then went into attack mode. It fully escalated until I was also yelling. Two dates in. He said to me, “you have anger issues.” I asked, “why am I here? Why did you want me to come over?? I thought we were going to talk.” He said it was a mistake. I could not get out of there fast enough. Although I was in shock and a bit sad on the drive home, I was beyond grateful to see this side so early. Grateful I had missed the turn. I wish the story had ended there.

The next day, he reached out a few times until I would answer his call. He apologized and shared, again, how much stress he was under. I gave it another chance. And then another. And another. Over the course of a year. It was never amazing, and never totally comfortable. There was no ease. So, what was the draw? We did not have great conversations. Certainly did not laugh. It did not feel fun. Was it the realized promise of being flown to his summer vacation home? Talk about visiting his ranch? Yes, but not for the money and extravagent lifestyle. So many people have money. I think a big part was seeing that he wanted a partner. Followed through on those things. Made an effort to see me. That all clouded what was missing. I kept feeling like maybe we could get “there.” But when girlfriends would be sharing about the fun they had on their dates, I would always share that we didn’t really have fun. Could I segment the fun and good conversation with other people in my life? Would that be enough? No. The entire experience made me question why I would want a relationship, if this is what it was.

It has now been months since we spoke. I did not return his most recent calls, as there are no more chances to give. No more interest. No more wondering. I think sometimes our choices don’t totally make sense, but somehow they are a part of the journey. And shape our expectations. I now know that I want a partner who would never yell at me for missing a turn. Or really for anything else. That is not ok, no matter how much stress someone is under. XO